Sponsored Links
Sponsored Links
Penmai eMagazine November! | All Issues

User Tag List

Like Tree43Likes

my situation is confused please help me


Discussions on "my situation is confused please help me" in "In-Laws" forum.


  1. #1
    saranyakumar is offline Newbie
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    tirunelveli
    Posts
    2

    Question my situation is confused please help me

    Hi my name is saranya. I am from tamilnadu. In our family there are 5 sisters and two younger brother. All sisters are elder to me and are married. My age is 26 years. My brothers are now only studying 10 and 8th std. my third sister got married 5 years ago and she is not having child. Her mother in law is scolding her now and then for not having child. But her husband is a good man and also handsome. We are poor family and due to money problem only my marriage is delayed. I have no father and my mother goes for work. I also working in a shop. I have studied BSc. one day my sister came to our home. She started crying. Then we asked for the reason. She then told that she worried a lot for not having child and consulted many doctors. two years before she had a small pain near and went to doctor. She had lot of checkups. Finally doctor told her that she is having a heart problem and they told she should not have sex. She told to her husband and he said at present only the problem so it may cure in some years and he made her some relief. Then she told that his husband suffers a lot by not having sex. He is inneed of sex. She told he is not sleeping well and affects his health also. She was very much pity of him. Then she told she is thinking of it for the past 6 months and she came to a decision with two choices. 1 st choice to marry me to her husband. As she is my sister there will be no problem in living same house. And also our family have no money for my marriage. So its benefit me also like that she told. 2nd choice is to divorce him and ask him to marry another woman. Atlast she told me she not going to compell me and its my wish to take decision. My other sisters and my mother were consult each other about this matter and they told, your better choice will be marrying him. The reasons they told he is good man and give a good life. Then there will be no problem of dowry as well as money for marriage. Another reason they told if my sister got divorce and she will come to our house only and it will increase our burden. Then lastly they told you not going to share her husband. You only going to have sex with him. So there will no problem. I am confused. So please advice about this matter.

    Similar Threads:

    Sponsored Links
    NivetaMohan and sumitra like this.

  2. #2
    vaishnav's Avatar
    vaishnav is offline Commander's of Penmai
    Real Name
    Vaishnavi
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Jan 2012
    Location
    Thanjavur
    Posts
    1,819

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    Hai Saranyakumar,

    Don't get confused....I dont knw what to tell you..Make ur mind peace..then u ll get a solution...Jus do what you think...if u r not able to make a decision...jus ask it to ur fav GOD...God will surely answer to ur queries in some ways...

    Dont worry u registered ur queries in Penmai...So many expert ladies are here like illavarasi,nlakshmi,sumi ka,deepa,begam,preethi,sumithra and many more ....surely u will see this and help you....
    I also make them to see this..dont worry...



  3. #3
    vijivedachalam's Avatar
    vijivedachalam is offline Penman of Penmai
    Blogger
    Ruler's of Penmai
    Real Name
    vijayalakshmiBala
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    villupuram
    Posts
    10,965
    Blog Entries
    68

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    hi saranya, u dont worry first.................. because worry will not allow us to think and not allow us to take decision........ sit in a calm place.......... talk wit ur heart...... write down wat ur heart saying............ for 7 days u sit down in a calm place and take a diary and write wat ur hear saying........... then go through the diary.....surely u will get the solution................ if ur heart saying ok means marry ur uncle........... saying no ok means convince ur sister.................. dont take decision for others................. because this is life....................take care...

    life is so beautiful....

  4. #4
    nlakshmi's Avatar
    nlakshmi is offline Minister's of Penmai
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,787
    Blog Entries
    11

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    Hey saranya,
    First i feel very sorry for you to be in a complex situation.. You are 26 yr old working woman.. When you analyse the situation, there are couple of points to take care of..
    first, just because you family has reduced circumstances, less income doest not mean that you have to get married as a second wife.. Your family situation was the same during your 4 sisters marriage when they got married and how come now your family dint get money to marry you? They should get you married ,if not now , with all the so called dowrythey are pointing out if your sister has not been sick. So dont get yourself into complications to prove a point you care for your family.
    Next, i dont know how people or family members think if someone or the younger sister getting married to brother in law is only for marital relationship and not for taking up wife rights.. Every individual has a thought about their spouse. Even if you get married to your brother in law, he is your husband. You will demand all the rights and feelings for you from him. Just because your sister cannot have relationship with him, that does not mean you can marry him and share only the bed and not anything from him. Its vey cruel.. And your sisters and mother are misguiding you on this part. What do you mean by " you dont have any problem to share her husband but just to have sex".. Really do you think this will work out.. You are also a woman , ad a newly married wont you expect some quality time with your husband? Once you ggot married to your BIL, they you guys are not sisters anymore.. You sister will feel that she is sick and you are not taking care of her, you will feel , you are spending time with your sister rather than your husband.. So there starts jealousy and problems to have your husband for uourslef... So it is not going to be easy as your family says...if she is really wants happiness for her husband, she should come out of him and move on with her life. By getting her a job. She should not complicate your life too.. You might think this as a little cold suggestion but nothing in sharing the husband is a easy .

    About your marriage, you can find your man one day. You may not know when! But you will definitely find him.. Its your parents duty to get you married as your other sisters..
    definitely you will find more peace in waiting for your man than getting married to your bil and also your sister will find more peace in coming out than sharing her husband with her sister and live unser same roof . She is emotional now.

    First what about your BIL?


  5. #5
    saranyakumar is offline Newbie
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Location
    tirunelveli
    Posts
    2

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    thanks for your reply. i am going to say the reasons. my mother had become older and she is now at age nearing 60. she cant able to work after 2 or 3 years. so if i not going to accept my sister wish means, her decision will be divorce her husband and she will come to our house. it will be additional problem to us. i have a plan for good studies for my brothers. it is my duty because my parents made me study as i am their youngest daughter and my sisters also helped me a lot. they went to work in beedi company and not even crossed 8 th std. i can get bridegroom without dowry but he will not allow me to give my salary to my home. so its my major problem my brother studies will be spoiled. if i have to wait till my brothers studies my age will be 35, then no one will come to marry me. i also be inneed of marriage at that time. my sister is saying that if i marry her husband her husband will allow me for work and to give my salary to my home. she is also saying if you not like to be a legal wife, then she may divorce him and will not be in the same house, i may marry him legally. so that i only be there with him and my sister in my house. she is saying anyhow she is going to divorce for the sake of the husband and some other girl going to marry him, why not me since he is a nice person.lastly my sisters and my mother are saying that, if by god's grace my sister health become well after 5 or 6 years means, she may also share the husband. if another woman marry her husband means she have to live like a widow lifelong. please reply for this. what i have to decide.

    nlakshmi and sumitra like this.

  6. #6
    Preethi4u's Avatar
    Preethi4u is offline Friends's of Penmai
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Sunshine state
    Posts
    319

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    Dear Saranya,

    You are confused/worried about you,your sister and your family's financial situation.That's why you are not able to take a proper decision on your life i feel. As i read in a website,Cardiovascular events — such as heart attacks or chest pain caused by heart disease — rarely occur during sexual activity, because sexual activity is usually for a short time.
    Among the many questions is whether heart disease, also called cardiovascular disease, will affect your sex life — or if it’s safe to have sex at all. According to a new scientific statement issued by the American Heart Association, it is probably safe to have sex if your cardiovascular disease has stabilized.

    மாரடைப்பு முதல் தடவையாக ஏற்பட்ட வர்களுக்கு மருத்துவரீதியாக சிக்கல்கள் எதுவும் இல்லாவிட்டால் சாதாரணமாக உடலுறவு கொள்ள எந்தவிதத் தடையுமில்லை. மாரடைப்பு ஏற்பட்ட பின்னர் அத்தகைய நோயாளிகளுக்கும் மருத்துவர்கள் உடற் பயிற்சி பரிந்துரை செய்கின்றனர். மாரடைப்பு ஏற்பட்டு சிகிச்சையைத் தொடர்ந்து 2-4 வாரத்திற்குப் பின் வழக்கமான உடலுறவு வைத்துக் கொள்ள முடியும்.

    இதயநோய் கண்டவர்களுக்கு வழங்கப் படும் ஆலோசனைகளின் போது மனைவியர் களையும் கூட வைத்துக் கொண்டே மருத்து வர்கள் தங்கள் கருத்துகளைக் கூற வேண்டும். அப்போதுதான் கணவனின் உண்மையான உடல்நிலை மனைவியர்கள் தெளிவாக தெரிந்து கொள்ள முடியும் இதயநோயாளிகள் உடலுறவு கொள்ள தடையில்லை என்பதை மனைவிகளுக்கு மருத்துவர்கள் நேரில் விவரம் சொல்ல முடியும்

    இதயத்துக்கு (Heart attack) வந்தபின் 40 நாள் கழித்து உடலுறவு கொள்ளலாம். மனைவியுடன் மட்டும் உடலுறவு செய்ய வேண்டும் மனைவி அப்போது அதிக ஈடுபாடு காட்டி நோயாளியின் உடலுக்குச் சிரமம் தராத உடலுறவு முறையைக் கடைப்பிடிக்க வேண்டும்.//

    It says even the people who had their first attack also can have sex,so my opinions is go to some other doctor and take second opinion. You also go along with them and speak to doctor.

    Honestly,i felt really bad after reading your post.Your English is good and you have done BSC as well,more or less you are of my age group. why don't you find a better paying job for yourself,which will help you to improve your family situation and help yourself for your marriage.

    I fully agree with lakshmi's suggestion, if anything happens..your BIL/sister shouldn't say that your limit is only bedroom,don't cross that..what will you do?in that case??
    Lakshmi's suggestion very very practical. Life is once,live peacefully. Keep in mind that,whatever you do today,tomorrow if its affects you,you can't go back to change it.done is done.

    அப்பா
    My Clicks

    Preethi's Recipes

    END is not the end, In fact E.N.D is "Effort never dies" and if you get NO in answer remember N.O. "Next opportunity" So always stay positive in life

  7. #7
    vijivedachalam's Avatar
    vijivedachalam is offline Penman of Penmai
    Blogger
    Ruler's of Penmai
    Real Name
    vijayalakshmiBala
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    villupuram
    Posts
    10,965
    Blog Entries
    68

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    saranya,

    u like ur uncle means marry him.......... don like means wait for some time da........................... why are u in dilema.......... second wife ah aga unaku virupama da........................... family situaion kaga marriage pana poriya ila ilayanu yosi. un manasu solratha sei da.......... wat ur heart saying.. tell me now?

    Quote Originally Posted by saranyakumar View Post
    thanks for your reply. i am going to say the reasons. my mother had become older and she is now at age nearing 60. she cant able to work after 2 or 3 years. so if i not going to accept my sister wish means, her decision will be divorce her husband and she will come to our house. it will be additional problem to us. i have a plan for good studies for my brothers. it is my duty because my parents made me study as i am their youngest daughter and my sisters also helped me a lot. they went to work in beedi company and not even crossed 8 th std. i can get bridegroom without dowry but he will not allow me to give my salary to my home. so its my major problem my brother studies will be spoiled. if i have to wait till my brothers studies my age will be 35, then no one will come to marry me. i also be inneed of marriage at that time. my sister is saying that if i marry her husband her husband will allow me for work and to give my salary to my home. she is also saying if you not like to be a legal wife, then she may divorce him and will not be in the same house, i may marry him legally. so that i only be there with him and my sister in my house. she is saying anyhow she is going to divorce for the sake of the husband and some other girl going to marry him, why not me since he is a nice person.lastly my sisters and my mother are saying that, if by god's grace my sister health become well after 5 or 6 years means, she may also share the husband. if another woman marry her husband means she have to live like a widow lifelong. please reply for this. what i have to decide.


    Last edited by vijivedachalam; 20th Nov 2012 at 11:31 AM.
    sumitra likes this.
    life is so beautiful....

  8. #8
    Preethi4u's Avatar
    Preethi4u is offline Friends's of Penmai
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Jun 2012
    Location
    Sunshine state
    Posts
    319

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    Dear Saranya,

    In your older post you mentioned the problem is mainly your sister's heart disease and their sexual life. Now more things you are adding on...
    It looks to me that you also already made up your mind to marry your BIL but let me tell you again sharing your husband with sister or anybody for that matter is not easy at all. you didn't mention anywhere about your BIL's point of view about this issue?? Is he ok,of your guys idea of marrying you??

    Finding a better paying job alone will help you to solve all of your problem i guess,at least to some level. Regarding your sister's case first go and take a second opinion and see.
    Reading your post,we are just sharing our views on your problem but you know yourself,family situation better. so think twice and decide.

    அப்பா
    My Clicks

    Preethi's Recipes

    END is not the end, In fact E.N.D is "Effort never dies" and if you get NO in answer remember N.O. "Next opportunity" So always stay positive in life

  9. #9
    sumitra's Avatar
    sumitra is offline Registered User
    Blogger
    Ruler's of Penmai
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Jul 2012
    Location
    mysore
    Posts
    23,699
    Blog Entries
    18

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    Dear saranya, there is no confusion here. you are liking your bil. your family situation warrants your marriage with you bil. then don't wait any more. your description of your present situation and way in which you have explained the problem gives a clear indication that there is no alternative other than marrying your bil because you are having good opinion about him. Hence decide quickly and leave all problems to the God to decide and accept the proposal for marrying your own bil.


  10. #10
    nlakshmi's Avatar
    nlakshmi is offline Minister's of Penmai
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,787
    Blog Entries
    11

    Re: my situation is confused please help me

    Saranya,
    from your reasons, you are clearly in the confused state and so does your family.. You sister and mother ask you to marry your bil coz he is nice man. ok. And also your sister saying that , she will also divorce him if you want to be lawful wife. Even if you dont marry your bil, your sister has to divorce him and be back in the house. Even otherwise your sister will be back in the house. In your replies its clear that your bil is ready for second marriage. How can you say that your bil will allow to spend your salary after marriage to your mother's family. What if he doesnot. and also if your sister is back in your house, you have to look after your sisters medical bills too. There are lot of guys outside who donot want any dowry and also considers wife's family as their family. but you have to look hard.
    Ok, lets gets to another reason, after you getting married to your bil, you sis will be in your mother's home, or under the same roof. in the first option, you guys have to forget your mother;s home as it will become a delicate situation to see your sister there both for you and your bil. and in the second option, both will be hurt.
    What is with sharing your husband after 5/6 years. Really do you think you can. Its the one thing ladies cannot do at any cost. After 5 years, you will be full fledged wife to your husband. Will you even think of sharing him. think all the consequences. Its not a game to go back and forth.Its life..ofcourse you can show your loyalty to your family in many ways. but this is life. you cannot replace it.

    Preethi4u and GayathriArun like this.

loading...

Tags for this Thread

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Like It?
Share It!







Follow Penmai on Twitter