Are you a dumper or a dumpee?
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18th Feb 2012, 02:15 AM #1
Are you a dumper or a dumpee?
Are you a dumper or a dumpee
Have you ever wondered why some people always end up being dumped, while some leave a string of broken hearts behind them.
That is what researchers call 'the dumped and the dumper' phenomena. People, they say, can be classified into these two categories. Yes, there may be a few times that a dumper can be dumped as well. But, whether a person is a dumper or not depends on the pattern that he/she tends to follow.
Psychologist P Rao says, "Those who are commitment phobic want all the things that go along with being in a relationship, but when it comes to giving the relationship a name, they develop cold feet." The moment these people are referred to as girlfriend or boyfriend they feel like they are being trapped into something that they don't want.
It's all in the childhood
Psychologist Seema Hingoranny believes that the problem with those scared of commitment starts in childhood. "Marriages or relationships that they have seen around them does make a huge impact. However, it happens on a very subconscious level, so they are not aware of the problem until they seek help." She cites the case of a girl who couldn't get into a serious relationship. "Her father had cheated on her mother, therefore she had issues with putting her trust in any man. In a way, it was kind of revenge for what had happened to her mother," Seema says. The chase: Those who end up dumping their partners are usually more interested in the chase than the relationship that it should culminate into. These people stay hooked to a person as long as they think he/she is unattainable. The moment the person they are interested falls for them, they begin hunting for the next target. Says management student Piyush Shah, "For me, the fact that the girl plays hard-to-get is a big turn on. But once I start dating her, she is just part of the crowd."
Lack of self-belief makes a person turn to someone else for reassurance. However, this behaviour can be very disturbing. "The other person starts feeling like a parent rather than a partner. That's when the relationship starts going haywire," she says. A person with low self-esteem is almost thankful to his/her partner for being in a relationship. "They keep walking on egg shells all the time. So when something starts going wrong in their relationship, instead of addressing the problem they blame themselves. Eventually, this takes a toll on their relationship. Once the relationship breaks up, he/she feel that he/she isn't good enough," says Rao.
Being dependent is another reason for many people getting dumped. Whether it's making decisions about money or choosing a place for dinner, people are dependent on their partner for everything. While this may seem to be a sweet habit at the beginning of any relationship, the other person is bound to get tired of it. Says banker Priya Parekh, "My ex-boyfriend would keep calling or messaging me through the day. At one point, I just couldn't take it anymore. He would resent it if I would spend time with my friends or colleagues. I needed some space and that's why I decided to break up with him." Dependent people can also become possessive and demanding.