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Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law


Discussions on "Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law" in "Married Life" forum.


  1. #1
    almighty's Avatar
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    Red face Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    People who have grown up so many years in two different environments comes together to start a life. Both will have difference in their thoughts and actions.

    No one can change themselves 100% to suit the new environment. So adjustment should happen between husband and wife, DIL and her in-laws and son and his parents / siblings equally.

    Like how we prepare ourselves to face an examination or an interview, the same way the bride, groom and the in-laws should prepare themselves for their role in the life and the new responsibility that they need to take.



    For the boy’s parents :-

    You want your son to get married. That means your involvement in arranging and conducting the marriage no less to the Girl’s parents. So be matured enough to come forward to share the responsibilities.

    Co-ordinated effort (not intervention) will make the event a great success. Thus make it even more memorable not only for you but also for many viz., your son, your DIL, your DIL’s Parents, relatives of both sides. If no one has done it in your family, you become the role model and bring in the change.

    While you talk about fixing the marriage be clear on what your expectation is. You and the girls parents if talk & plan together, unnecessary spending can be curtailed. If girl’s parents insist on spending then make them understand if that money is of better use then let them make an Fixed Deposit in the name of their daughter which will help her in long way.

    When you mention “do as per your capacity. We have no demands” let that word come from your heart. Never find faults and complain later. Instead be responsible matured parent and lend your support to the girl’s parents to avoid any faults or just accept things as they are because it your son’s marriage. You want to make it pleasant right?

    Two families are going to come together that means both side relatives are also coming together. Earning a relation is not an easy job. Hence ignore small mistakes and learn to live with a smile.

    The girl who is going to marry your son is also going to be part of your family hence a ‘family member’. Never treat and never ever think her as an outsider in any situation.

    Girl is born and brought up in a different environment. Every girl for a marriage may not be perfect as married life is going to be a first & important experience in her life. Marriage for her is like uprooting a grown up tree to a new place which may require lot of time for the tree to settle in the new place. Understand that and make her feel comfortable by giving her a friendly & homely environment. Forget your egos as it will lead you to nowhere near peace in the family.

    Consider the bride as your daughter and not ‘like’ your daughter. Both term has a huge gap in meaning. Never allow that gap come in the relationship. You are already parents to a child / children hence showing parental affection, love and responsibility towards a new married girl coming to your home is not a new thing for you.

    At the same understand that for her it is not going to be an easy task to consider you as her parents unless you show her the true parental love towards her.

    "RESPECT AND LOVE should be reciprocated"

    Give respect and take respect should be realized in right manner. Giving respect doesn’t mean one should respect you for your age. But it means respect you for your wonderful thoughts, words and actions. It means “Respect you for the person in you and not for your age”.

    No one likes to be commanded. So win your place in her heart with your love and not with your command. You are elders but show that elderliness in your matured responsible thoughts, words and actions.

    You have also passed that newly-wed experience in your life. The chemistry between you and your spouse might have been different but you must learn to adjust with the change of time. Hence never interfere in your son’s life.

    You may have a daughter who might have come with her husband to stay with you. Never let your son & DIL’s privacy go off while you try to make your daughter & son-in-law feel have their privacy at your home. Like your daughter and son-in-law, your son and DIL also shares the same relationship between them. If this simple thing is understood & practiced major problems will not arise.

    Never interfere in any fights between your son and DIL unless you are matured enough to handle them unbiased. If you feel that your DIL has no right to talk like that with your son that only means that you are not considering her as a part of the family or as your son’s wife.
    Never fight or argue in front of your son & DIL. If you do so, you only set a bad example to them because married life is a new experience for them.
    If you have any complaints about your DIL never tell that directly to her. Instead talk to your son but definitely not in a complaining mode or tone but as a responsible parent by keeping your cool. But make it clear to him that you want him to handle this diplomatically and not emotionally. After all DIL is your family member and your son’s happiness also depends on her’s.

    Find out the interest of your DIL and suitably reward her (take your son’s help wherever required) which will bring a lovely bond between you both which is very very essential in any relationship.

    Last but not the least, your DIL has equal responsibility on her parents like your son does for you. So never complain when she has to deliver her duties towards her parents. Give your full support.

    You be an example to your Son and Daughter-in-law so that he / she will become a good mother / father not only to their child / children but also for the future son-in-law(s) / daughter –in-law(s)

    Wish you a lovely enjoyable Parent-in-lawhood


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    For the Girl’s Parents:-

    Never feel yourself inferior to boy’s parents. You are equal counterparts. Time has changed. Instead of keeping a distance, try to befriend them.
    If you find boy’s side very demanding, think whether your daughter will be happy living with them. Because in India the tradition demands various things / rituals on various occasions. Only when you are confident of doing all that in future, you proceed.

    Commit only things that are within your capacity. Taking loans and ruining your future will not make your daughter happy as she will be thinking about you.

    If the Boy’s parents tell you not to spend money unnecessarily and still you want to spend money better go as per the advise and make an FD in your daughter’s name for the amount you have saved which will help her.

    Make your daughter realize the responsibility she is going to take, how she should live in her new environment etc. Never make her feel inferior to anyone. Impart the virtue of patience in her.

    Give her a support wherever required. Never interfere in her family matters unnecessarily. You as a parent should act more maturedly and responsibly incase she complains about her family. Hear her and diplomatically make her understand on how to handle situations. Because when she is tensed and impatient she only expects ears to hear her. If she doesn’t find that in her husband then only she comes to complain it to you.

    Like your daughter you treat your DIL too. Like how you respect the privacy of your daughter & your son-in-law same way your son and DIL deserves it too.

    Any advice you give your girl, don't make it emotionally but wisely. Ensure that it is understood by her in right way. Let your wisdom and experience brighten her life.

    Happy Parent-in-lawhood.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Continued in next post................................

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  2. #2
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    Hi friend!

    You are giving valuable suggestions. Thanks & please continue your good work.


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  3. #3
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    For the Groom :

    Guy, you will be flying on cloud nine with your fiancé in your dreams about married life. Nothing wrong so enjoy your dreams at the same time prepare yourself to face the new life and responsibility.

    A wife loves her husband more than anyone in this world (keep aside the jokes and let us make some serious talks man!). All a woman expect from her husband is just love hence never underestimate her role in your life irrespective of her contribution financially. Woman can do anything for their husband just for his ‘love’ which means she can even adjust with her in-laws for his love. So be a wise husband.

    Talk with your fiancé about honeymoon… e.g. what’s your budget, where you want to go, how many days of holiday you are planning etc. If you involve her it ensures a smooth start of your life.

    Ensure you give a pleasant life to the girl who comes to live with your rest of her life. You will not like to see your sister suffer in her married life, likewise your wife also deserves the same from you.
    Never let your ego take over you as it will not just stop with that but ruin peace at home, bring a toughness in relationship, separation…….. at the end of your journey all you are left with will be unpleasant memories. Your wife is your equal partner in life hence never hesitate to initiate a talk after your fight or in saying ‘sorry’ and accepting your mistakes. If mistake is on her side, then learn to forgive her (in mind. Never consider this gesture as a favour. It is your duty) and try to change her to the right path with your affection & love.

    Should maintain a balance between relationships. [you, your wife, you parents, your siblings and your parents-in-law.

    You need to devote same attention and love to your wife as you would do for your parents / siblings and vice versa. Never neglect your wife or your parents for the sake of the other.

    Never let the privacy you both need dwindle at any point of your life unless the situation requires you both to do so (use your reasoning ability). As this factor also leads to fights or separation, be wise.

    Be clear about the following :-


    1. There are matters which you need to discuss with your wife and not tell your parents.
    2. There are matters which you need to discuss with your wife and also with our parents.
    3. There are personal matters which you need not tell your parents after marriage and maintain between only both of you.


    Any violation in the above will only result in unpleasant situations and a drift in the relationship.

    If your wife loses her temper soon or take petty things to her heart, becomes emotional and argues, you don’t reply back as it will only pour more fuel into the burning fire. Instead just give an understanding smile, hear her and ensure a moral support to her. If she is wrong make her understand that diplomatically. No shouting back. No punishing. No hard feelings. As these things only create a distance between you too. If you are a wise man you can turn your woman a wise one just like you.

    If your spouse is working, lend her support at home in doing chores. Never feel that it is only her duty. If you happen to reach home before her, when she comes, be neatly dressed, with beaming face & smiile welcome her back. This is not a general rule just for a wife but also applies for a husband. She will be coming home hungry and may appreciate it very much if you serve her some snack & beverage (made or bought) which will boost her energy levels. Like you she also would have faced some hard situations at office or outside during commutation. Listen to her if she wish to share her day’s happenings.

    Compliment her. This is a small boost required in life and goes a long way.
    You may also play a role as a father hence be a responsible man and a father to your child / children so that they will also become one like you in their life. Thus you are passing a great unperishable asset to your coming generations.

    Wish you a happy Husband-hood.

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    To the BRIDE:

    Like any other woman in the world you will also be entering your new life with lot of dreams. Dreaming is not bad but at the same time realize that there is a practical life and learn to adjust yourself fit into your new life.

    God has made woman a multitasker, a human being who can show unconditional love with lots of emotions. Use them wisely. Because these qualities are gift which makes her mould & fit into any environment which is also known as ‘adjustment’.

    Possessiveness comes with every newly wed woman as she consider her husband the more closest person because of intimacy in the relationship. But never let that take over you otherwise only fights will result.

    Understand that your husband is also a son to this parents, a brother to his siblings hence help him play his role properly and equally.

    If you are living as a nuclear family and your in-laws come to stay with you as a newly wed you may feel your are not able to get much privacy but the distance that is created there only increase the bond between you. They will stay for sometime and leave. After that you will realise how closer it brings you & your hubby together.

    Never complain on financial matters as no man will like it to hear from his wife especially those related to his parents. You are new in the environment. Till you know your new family completely, you cannot complain. Also remember he shares an equal responsibility with his parents like how he does for you. As far as he is supporting you unconditionally & comfortably and not deprive you of anything you should never bother yourself with such matters.

    Unless there is a terrible need for you to disclose things to your parents, never tell them anything as most of the fights are petty and you may bring a bad impression about your family members in their mind. Your parents will never like to see you suffer and this will only make them feel hurt and become more defensive towards you. Thus they may even go against your husband thus ruin your life though they actually don’t mean that.

    Learn to ignore petty things done or spoken by your husband or your in-laws. If you take everything to your heart, it will only hurt you and ruin your health and life and not the people responsible for that. Stay unaffected. This will come only by practice. Not an easy task but you will master it soon.

    Start assisting your MIL in her kitchen work instead of taking over it. Every woman feels very possessive about her kitchen too. So when you tell her to take rest, it is a difficult task for any MIL as she as a woman has kept herself busy all through her life in that place. To sit idle after a busy life is very very difficult. So let her be active.

    You may be knowing lot of things, but in some matters you ask her advise which will only make her happy.

    Compliment your MIL. Find out her interest and gift her small things accordingly. If she is a hobby enthusiast, get her some hobby materials of her interest. Encourage her. This will bring you both close with a lovely bond.

    Compliment your spouse wherever required. This is very much required in life. Like how you expect to be noticed and complimented the same will also boost the spirits of your spouse.

    Last but not the least, when your husband comes back from office, be ready to receive him with a smile and fresh face. Dress up nicely. Do give some attention to yourself amidst your chores. How you carry your person also matters both inwards and outwards. If he don’t smile back or don’t notice your smile, don’t get dejected. He might have faced a tough day at office. So be an understanding spouse and cheer him up.

    Any issues creep up, keep your cool, think and act diplomatically.

    Understand your responsibility and be a wise woman.

    Wish you a very happy life

    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    Continued in next post No. 4......

    Last edited by almighty; 26th Feb 2013 at 01:12 PM.
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  4. #4
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    To BRIDE AND GROOM :-

    Respect and Love should go together and be reciprocated.

    Fighting is quite common in marriage. These fights only make the life more interesting because reunion after a petty fight brings you together more. Don’t lose that opportunity by giving importance to your ego. Only your life partner gives you companionship and not egos.

    In any arguments never use harsh words. Avoid an argument. Keep your cool and take the situation through the right way. If any hard words exchanged, forget them because words told when one is anger is coming out of madness and lose their meaning later.

    Avoid any personal talks or talks related to any family members or relatives while having food. Enjoy your food.

    Respect each other’s in-laws. Never complain about your in-laws to your parents as they are your family members and talking ill about a family member to a friend or outsider is like letting out family matters in public (unless you are in a very bad situation and needs to vent out by confiding on someone).

    Never make funny jokes about your spouse in front of others unless they are good enough to take it casually as a joke. This action will not get you ‘comedy king / queen’ crown.

    If one is not feeling well mentally or physically, understand and lend your support.

    This relationship is just not physical. Hence give importance to the person and their feelings.

    Never hesitate to say to each other irrespective of how old you are. Love will prevail till you reach the destination of this journey.

    Small exchange of gifts may boost the spirit. Gift not means expensive. Even a small bar of cholocate hidden here and there will surprise your spouse and convey your unspoken love

    The more years you pass by the more strong your bond will become.Actual life starts only late because it takes years to get that bond hence breaking of pre-matured relationship should be avoided wherever possible.

    Try to make this journey a peaceful and memorable one for each other and pass this to your future generations by putting only flower petals on the path for each other. Join hands and start your life.


    Happy Married Life

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    PS : I just tried to give some basic things before starting a new life and not covered entire aspect. Hope it will be of use to you.

    You are welcome to share more inputs along with your feedback :-)

    Thanks for stopping by


  5. #5
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    Thank you sumathisrini. I have collected these points from my own experience and through the experience shared by others. Hope it will be of help.

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  6. #6
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    Hi,

    The points you have discussed under various relationships shall certainly open the eyes of the ones who have not understood their role.Thank you for sharing.

    Nandini

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  7. #7
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    well said.. points.. almighty..

    Universal Rule Never Change!
    What you send out, comes back.
    What you sow, you reap.
    What you give, you get.



    Bagavad Gita Discussion Group| Must Read Motivational Books!


  8. #8
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    Hi Almighty.. really a nice article.. everyone should..be broad minded and also.. think in a matured. way to avoid many problems ion life.. and also to lead a wonderful life in this world.. i too learnt so many points in my life through your article.. well said.. hats off... !!!
    Quote Originally Posted by almighty View Post
    People who have grown up so many years in two different environments comes together to start a life. Both will have difference in their thoughts and actions.

    No one can change themselves 100% to suit the new environment. So adjustment should happen between husband and wife, DIL and her in-laws and son and his parents / siblings equally.

    Like how we prepare ourselves to face an examination or an interview, the same way the bride, groom and the in-laws should prepare themselves for their role in the life and the new responsibility that they need to take.



    For the boy’s parents :-

    You want your son to get married. That means your involvement in arranging and conducting the marriage no less to the Girl’s parents. So be matured enough to come forward to share the responsibilities.

    Co-ordinated effort (not intervention) will make the event a great success. Thus make it even more memorable not only for you but also for many viz., your son, your DIL, your DIL’s Parents, relatives of both sides. If no one has done it in your family, you become the role model and bring in the change.

    While you talk about fixing the marriage be clear on what your expectation is. You and the girls parents if talk & plan together, unnecessary spending can be curtailed. If girl’s parents insist on spending then make them understand if that money is of better use then let them make an Fixed Deposit in the name of their daughter which will help her in long way.

    When you mention “do as per your capacity. We have no demands” let that word come from your heart. Never find faults and complain later. Instead be responsible matured parent and lend your support to the girl’s parents to avoid any faults or just accept things as they are because it your son’s marriage. You want to make it pleasant right?

    Two families are going to come together that means both side relatives are also coming together. Earning a relation is not an easy job. Hence ignore small mistakes and learn to live with a smile.

    The girl who is going to marry your son is also going to be part of your family hence a ‘family member’. Never treat and never ever think her as an outsider in any situation.

    Girl is born and brought up in a different environment. Every girl for a marriage may not be perfect as married life is going to be a first & important experience in her life. Marriage for her is like uprooting a grown up tree to a new place which may require lot of time for the tree to settle in the new place. Understand that and make her feel comfortable by giving her a friendly & homely environment. Forget your egos as it will lead you to nowhere near peace in the family.

    Consider the bride as your daughter and not ‘like’ your daughter. Both term has a huge gap in meaning. Never allow that gap come in the relationship. You are already parents to a child / children hence showing parental affection, love and responsibility towards a new married girl coming to your home is not a new thing for you.

    At the same understand that for her it is not going to be an easy task to consider you as her parents unless you show her the true parental love towards her.

    "RESPECT AND LOVE should be reciprocated"

    Give respect and take respect should be realized in right manner. Giving respect doesn’t mean one should respect you for your age. But it means respect you for your wonderful thoughts, words and actions. It means “Respect you for the person in you and not for your age”.

    No one likes to be commanded. So win your place in her heart with your love and not with your command. You are elders but show that elderliness in your matured responsible thoughts, words and actions.

    You have also passed that newly-wed experience in your life. The chemistry between you and your spouse might have been different but you must learn to adjust with the change of time. Hence never interfere in your son’s life.

    You may have a daughter who might have come with her husband to stay with you. Never let your son & DIL’s privacy go off while you try to make your daughter & son-in-law feel have their privacy at your home. Like your daughter and son-in-law, your son and DIL also shares the same relationship between them. If this simple thing is understood & practiced major problems will not arise.

    Never interfere in any fights between your son and DIL unless you are matured enough to handle them unbiased. If you feel that your DIL has no right to talk like that with your son that only means that you are not considering her as a part of the family or as your son’s wife.
    Never fight or argue in front of your son & DIL. If you do so, you only set a bad example to them because married life is a new experience for them.
    If you have any complaints about your DIL never tell that directly to her. Instead talk to your son but definitely not in a complaining mode or tone but as a responsible parent by keeping your cool. But make it clear to him that you want him to handle this diplomatically and not emotionally. After all DIL is your family member and your son’s happiness also depends on her’s.

    Find out the interest of your DIL and suitably reward her (take your son’s help wherever required) which will bring a lovely bond between you both which is very very essential in any relationship.

    Last but not the least, your DIL has equal responsibility on her parents like your son does for you. So never complain when she has to deliver her duties towards her parents. Give your full support.

    You be an example to your Son and Daughter-in-law so that he / she will become a good mother / father not only to their child / children but also for the future son-in-law(s) / daughter –in-law(s)

    Wish you a lovely enjoyable Parent-in-lawhood


    ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    For the Girl’s Parents:-

    Never feel yourself inferior to boy’s parents. You are equal counterparts. Time has changed. Instead of keeping a distance, try to befriend them.
    If you find boy’s side very demanding, think whether your daughter will be happy living with them. Because in India the tradition demands various things / rituals on various occasions. Only when you are confident of doing all that in future, you proceed.

    Commit only things that are within your capacity. Taking loans and ruining your future will not make your daughter happy as she will be thinking about you.

    If the Boy’s parents tell you not to spend money unnecessarily and still you want to spend money better go as per the advise and make an FD in your daughter’s name for the amount you have saved which will help her.

    Make your daughter realize the responsibility she is going to take, how she should live in her new environment etc. Never make her feel inferior to anyone. Impart the virtue of patience in her.

    Give her a support wherever required. Never interfere in her family matters unnecessarily. You as a parent should act more maturedly and responsibly incase she complains about her family. Hear her and diplomatically make her understand on how to handle situations. Because when she is tensed and impatient she only expects ears to hear her. If she doesn’t find that in her husband then only she comes to complain it to you.

    Like your daughter you treat your DIL too. Like how you respect the privacy of your daughter & your son-in-law same way your son and DIL deserves it too.

    Any advice you give your girl, don't make it emotionally but wisely. Ensure that it is understood by her in right way. Let your wisdom and experience brighten her life.

    Happy Parent-in-lawhood.


    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    Continued in next post................................



  9. #9
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    Re: Marriage? - a basic guide to start the new life - for Bride,Groom and Parents-in-law

    Thank you Nandini, Rudhraa, PriyaSudheer


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