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Need ur advice, friends.


Discussions on "Need ur advice, friends." in "Married Life" forum.


  1. #1
    arunuma's Avatar
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    Need ur advice, friends.

    Hi Friends,
    I need your advice to come out of my depression now. I am married to my man of Love for 2 years now. I love him so much and very possessive of him. We have a beautiful 7 months old son.

    My problem is that it seems my husband does not care for me. He always wants to spend his time with our son or work extra time from home also to earn more money or sleep. There is no direct fight between us. Even when my husband talks to me, he talks about how to save money for our son, how to give him good life and thats it. Please dont get me wrong - everytime I have to ask him for any intimacy time which will be monthly once or so. When we were in love, he wasnt like this. He used to be so romantic. After marriage, he says that I am always with him and he doesnt get that need to be so romantic as it was before.

    I have talked to him many times that I need atleast 5 mins in a week where he will think about me and him alone. I need the special touch at least. but that never happens. when we talk about it, he will behave like he understood my feelings and after that nothing will happen. He is back to square one.

    Am I expecting too much from him? Is it normal for a guy to be so thoughtful about his son and leaving wife like this? I cant fight/talk to him about this anymore. I feel like begging every time.

    Other that this, he is perfect in every other thing. Perfect son to his parents, Double perfect father. Used to be a perfect lover and perfect husband in the first few months.

    What should I do? Please advice.

    Thanks,
    UmaArun.

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  2. #2
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Hello Uma Arun Ammaiyaar,
    Pl wait, our friends will give suitable reply 4 u.


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  3. #3
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Hi Uma , Welcome to Penmai .....
    Congrats on the birth of your son.......

    Uma , Can understand how you feel .....But also be happy that he is thinking so much about only your son and his(your) future........ and not other things !!!

    In your own words "My problem is that it seems my husband does not care for me "you have said that it seems only....

    It may be a reaction of a first time new dad....He is worried about all your future etc....
    He is only spending time with your son/working or sleeping.... This is not a wrong thing ...It may be his way of coping with the new addition in your lives.......He has moved on to the nxt stage in your relationship ..... i.e he is a dad now and with that comes responsibilities and he is taking it too seriously..........also he may be giving you time and space to recover from the birth.....If possible go on a holiday ...change in environ might help .....

    You need to have a one to one adult chat with DH.... Reassure him that he is doing a great job as a dad and that you would also like to have some of his time.....

    Do not become emotional but explain to him that you two need to spend time together........ Life is not the same after a baby .....as a couple few changes happens and the young child comes first naturally .....

    If your parents or inlaws are staying with you .... Give them charge of your DS and go for an evening out .... This way there are no distractions but the two of you..... You will be surprised to see that you will be making umpteen calls to whoever is looking after your DS to see how he is!!!

    Put DS in a pram ...go on a long drive or a good walk ...that way DS and yourself get equal attention...

    Also see your doc to rule out postnatal depression..... It is not that uncommon......

    I am not a relationship expert but there is a lot of focus on how a mum feels after a child is born and we seem to forget it is the first time for the dad too .......
    They may feel insecure , worry and also have issues at work , guilty not being able to spend enough time with child etc .... as they do not express much these can go unnoticed too .....

    so instead of focusing on your changed relationship it may be a good idea to talk about how and what he feels about fatherhood .... it may open your mind to his feelings too and you can take it from there........ best wishes for a happy life ......


    Last edited by PriyagauthamH; 28th Jul 2013 at 12:13 AM.
    arunuma, jv_66, sumitra and 2 others like this.
    Priya


  4. #4
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Thanks for your quick reply, Priya.

    I understand that my husband is a new dad. I too love my son so much. My feeling is that when I m able to spend enough time with my son and able to think about my husband, why cant he also give me a small space?? :(

    I talked to him about this many times.. As u said, I think I m getting too much emotional. I ll try to give more time to the situation.

    Thanks for the support.. very much needed for me at this time. I m very glad that I have you all friends in Penmai.

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  5. #5
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    I understand that my husband is a new dad. I too love my son so much. My feeling is that when I m able to spend enough time with my son and able to think about my husband, why cant he also give me a small space?? :(


    I guess it may be bcos men can't handle two things at the same time........

    Write him a letter as to how you are feeling..... seeing your feelings in words may make him realise that you are serious about what you are feeling .......

    Make time for the two of you to be alone........




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    Priya


  6. #6
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by arunuma View Post
    Hi Friends,
    I need your advice to come out of my depression now. I am married to my man of Love for 2 years now. I love him so much and very possessive of him. We have a beautiful 7 months old son.

    My problem is that it seems my husband does not care for me. He always wants to spend his time with our son or work extra time from home also to earn more money or sleep. There is no direct fight between us. Even when my husband talks to me, he talks about how to save money for our son, how to give him good life and thats it. Please dont get me wrong - everytime I have to ask him for any intimacy time which will be monthly once or so. When we were in love, he wasnt like this. He used to be so romantic. After marriage, he says that I am always with him and he doesnt get that need to be so romantic as it was before.

    I have talked to him many times that I need atleast 5 mins in a week where he will think about me and him alone. I need the special touch at least. but that never happens. when we talk about it, he will behave like he understood my feelings and after that nothing will happen. He is back to square one.

    Am I expecting too much from him? Is it normal for a guy to be so thoughtful about his son and leaving wife like this? I cant fight/talk to him about this anymore. I feel like begging every time.

    Other that this, he is perfect in every other thing. Perfect son to his parents, Double perfect father. Used to be a perfect lover and perfect husband in the first few months.

    What should I do? Please advice.

    Thanks,
    UmaArun.


    Hi Uma,

    Priya has given a suitable explanation.

    Yes., sometimes,that too in countries, which lack hot ness of the sun, these POST - PARTUM BLUES are seem to be common among young mothers.

    So, you also, may be one of the victim of it. There is nothing to worry. You may visit your regular Gynaec and also a Psychiatrist regarding this. They will diagonise your situation very well and help you.

    And coming to your husband, it is quite common for all the gents to be much more romantic during the courtship (or during love), while this gets much more lesser after marriage and it will reduce much more after the child's birth. They will not behave as they were intimate in the early days.

    Along with this, he would have kept away from you, during the final stages of your pregnancy and after pregnancy , atleast for 4 months. With this practice, he might have got used to the situation, without your intimacy (physically). So, this may not be a big issue according to him.

    Now, he would be worrying much, only about saving money for his son. Because, this is very much new experience for him. For quite some time, this would seem as a Himalayan task for him. Later, he might get used to it.

    Yo
    u may tell him, that this is common with every parent, to earn and save money for their children. We need not worry so much for this by poking our head and think only about that. This is the age not only to earn , but also to enjoy the married life, as these days could not return. And that, you will also help him, in saving a lot of money, for your and your child's future. And that, from now on, you need not spend on luxurious things, but spend only for the necessities. And , for this, you need not loose your enjoyment of the young married life.

    As Priya has said, you both can go for outings.

    If this condition persists, with your husband, you may go for a check with the THYROXIN LEVELS of your husband, with the suggestion of your doctor.

    The alteration in the levels of Thyroxin also, creates these kind of behaviour. (like loss of interest in sex, forgetfulness, tiredness etc.)

    Hope, this may help you.


    Jayanthy



  7. #7
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by arunuma View Post
    Hi Friends,
    I need your advice to come out of my depression now. I am married to my man of Love for 2 years now. I love him so much and very possessive of him. We have a beautiful 7 months old son.

    My problem is that it seems my husband does not care for me. He always wants to spend his time with our son or work extra time from home also to earn more money or sleep. There is no direct fight between us. Even when my husband talks to me, he talks about how to save money for our son, how to give him good life and thats it. Please dont get me wrong - everytime I have to ask him for any intimacy time which will be monthly once or so. When we were in love, he wasnt like this. He used to be so romantic. After marriage, he says that I am always with him and he doesnt get that need to be so romantic as it was before.

    I have talked to him many times that I need atleast 5 mins in a week where he will think about me and him alone. I need the special touch at least. but that never happens. when we talk about it, he will behave like he understood my feelings and after that nothing will happen. He is back to square one.

    Am I expecting too much from him? Is it normal for a guy to be so thoughtful about his son and leaving wife like this? I cant fight/talk to him about this anymore. I feel like begging every time.

    Other that this, he is perfect in every other thing. Perfect son to his parents, Double perfect father. Used to be a perfect lover and perfect husband in the first few months.

    What should I do? Please advice.

    Thanks,
    UmaArun.
    Dear UmaArun, I understand your problem. Your expectations from your husband as your partner is always genuine and you are fully entitled for the enjoyment in all respects. Your mind is full of thoughts towards that kind of enjoyment only. That is not the only enjoyment. Your husband has to earn more and more for the family's betterment as well as the money for bringing up your little son. Hence don't mistake him. To make him more cooperative in your personal moments you have to make him come to the "mood". there are so many ways to get your husband to the required favorable mood. This is public forum. I cannot explain everything here publicly. I was also facing same kind of problem during my earlier times in my married life. I followed certain techniques which I cannot share here publicly.

    Some of the men are workalcoholic (that is always thinking about the work, how to get next promotion or pay-hike etc) For them the need of enjoyment or pleasure with the wife is secondary only. You only have to understand and make your husband to be more closer to you and make him to act with still more involvement during those "happy moments". Once again I express my inability to explain further as this is the public forum.

    If you are still interested you can send me a pm so that I can explain in detailed manner. All the best. thank you


  8. #8
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Thank you friends - Jayanthy and Sumithra. I needed your advice. I m very glad to have this support.
    I had a real good talk with my husband. I am good now. I think I was definitely depressed on that day and everything looked so big. Now while looking back, I feel bad for opening such a topic here.
    Thanks again, friends.

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  9. #9
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by arunuma View Post
    Thank you friends - Jayanthy and Sumithra. I needed your advice. I m very glad to have this support.
    I had a real good talk with my husband. I am good now. I think I was definitely depressed on that day and everything looked so big. Now while looking back, I feel bad for opening such a topic here.
    Thanks again, friends.

    Happy to hear this Uma.

    Sure, you are going to have a very good time with your husband and child from today onwards.

    Please check your Private message. I have sent you one.


    arunuma and sumitra like this.
    Jayanthy



  10. #10
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    Re: Need ur advice, friends.

    Quote Originally Posted by arunuma View Post
    Thank you friends - Jayanthy and Sumithra. I needed your advice. I m very glad to have this support.
    I had a real good talk with my husband. I am good now. I think I was definitely depressed on that day and everything looked so big. Now while looking back, I feel bad for opening such a topic here.
    Thanks again, friends.
    Very happy to hear that your problem is solved. thank you and all the best.

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