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need solution sisters


Discussions on "need solution sisters" in "Married Life" forum.


  1. #1
    daisydee is offline Newbie
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    need solution sisters

    hai all,

    i am married for 2 years and have a one year old baby.now there is problem between me and my husband so he is in his mom house and i am in my dad house.

    mine is a arranged marriage and we were in joint family.for first 6 months we were happy but after tat problem was started between us.most of the problems will be bcoz of my mil.when i come to my mom house she will tell something wrong about me and my husband will blindly keep faith and fight with me.as i was conceived i will mostly stay in my mom house so my mil always create some fight between us.but he cared me very much and fulfilled all my wishes while i was pregnant.
    A week before my delivery my husband left his job and told that will find another.i too supported.my dad insisted to look after my dads business and he too was interested.i delivered a girl baby.he was caring while in hosiptal unforuntately my BIL met an accident on the way to see us.so my mil went there.he was with me.the day before delivery my mil came and my husband behavior changed he didt speak with me and discharged me n baby and went to his home with his mom. the next day was our first pongal and he came afternoon and went evening itself with his family.and for next three month he comes to visit my baby like a vistor.and during some visit they used to tell something like the time of birth of my child is not good.(they will not tell straightly just will tell something relating she was a cesaren baby and time was predicted by them).

    after 3 months he reassigned his job and was staying with me in my mom house during that time also he will not talk with me well.and after 3 months we shifted to a nuclear family.after shiting he left me in my mom house and took his mom to stay with him.she went with him without any shame.den problem sorted.but they were problems between my hubby and my dad and the mistakes are on the both sides.so i asked to find another job but he and his mom are not interested in it.my mil used to go with him for every function for my relation side and i used to go with my mom family for the same function.i tolerated all this but she used to complain me about me to my mom.my mil is 150 kms away from us.she knows every thing at what time we sleep whether we(me n my hubby) had fight last night.he used to tel everything to her mom.and she is such shameless fellow hearing all such things and will call(phone) my mom and complain me.sometime i will be afraid tat whether he will tell his mom about for intimacy and she too will hear it.(bcoz i was not comfortable on our FN.n told to his mom and she asked my mom)

    morethan me my mil used to go in the car with hubby and he will ask me to come by bus or with my dad. how many days can i tolerate and i asked him tat for you and your mother comfort has my dad gave u a car?.He asked his son to vaccate the house we live and he did it. he left home with his things to his house and i came to my dad home with my things.it has been 15 day till today not even a single call from his side asking about my daughter

    don't know wat to do now.he returned all the greeting cards to me wen i gave him on his birthday.on seeing tat i msged him but he did't reply me.

    note:
    sorry content became too long but give a solution sisters.

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  2. #2
    jv_66's Avatar
    jv_66 is offline Super Moderator Silver Ruler's of Penmai
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    Re: need solution sisters

    Welcome to Penmai ... @daisydee

    From your post, it seems to be clear that your husband is in a dilemma position, as to listen to whose words....either his mother or his wife.

    And that, your MIL is a typical Possessive natured lady who is still unable to leave his son's priority towards her and make his priority to be given equally to his wife and child.

    Both these characteristics, of a husband and a MIL, is a very common feature in the society.

    Only the wife has to adjust with all these characters and balance the whole family.

    Now, tell me, whether your husband is now working or not? If yes, where is he working? With your father or is he working for any other company and at which place (your place or any other place)?

    Whatever may be the past, please leave everything and start a new life with your husband.

    Even if he is not talking or messaging you or even if he returns your greeting cards , please do not mind for anything.

    From today onwards, you be talking with him daily in the night time. Let this be a detailed one, enquiring about his whole day.

    In the morning, greet him with a Good morning daily (by talking) and wish him good day and that is enough in the morning.

    Even if he hesitates in the beginning to talk with you, please don't get angry and disconnect the phone. Even if he is talking harshly in the beginning, when you talk softly and politely with lots of love and affection, he will surely reciprocate the same from the next day onwards. He will surely wait for your call.

    Also, during this conversation, tell about your daughter's activities and make her also to speak (whatever it is....may be some sounds too) to him.

    These will surely ease him.

    Tell him that you miss him too much. Don't ask him whether he also feels the same. Just you may tell him and very often be telling that you love him too much.

    These talks will make him inclined towards you.

    And after a week's talk, tell him that you want to meet him personally. Tell him that you do not want to live separately from him and that you always want to be with him throughout your married life.

    During this conversation, please do not utter any harsh words or feelings towards his mother. No son can bear these words from anybody , though being from his wife too.

    When he comes personally, try hard to convince him to live together. Here, you should not ask him to come separately from his mother. Let him decide this. Tell him that you are very much determined to forget all the past happenings and that your married life is always with him only and so, you are going to stay with him only, wherever he is working for his job.

    For each and every silly reason, please do not visit your Parent's house. Try to solve the problems while you stay with your husband.

    And now, your parents can also accompany you to your husband's place and tell your MIL to forgive for whatever mistakes had happened.

    Later you may ask her for every suggestion in the house even for daily cooking and tell her that you are going to learn everything from her. Tell her that she is quite experienced and that you will surely utilize that experience from her.

    If your husband is asking you to come by bus and if he is not taking you also in the same car, you should tell him that you cannot do like that and will always accompany him wherever he goes....like any function , party or any other place (except the office and his friends' meet). Even if your MIL is coming with you, please do not show your anger, and you yourself call her along with you.

    When any outing is planned , you can tell that, "all of us shall go in the same car and only then, all our relatives will have a good opinion about the family".

    Never leave alone your MIL, when she is also with you in your house (husband's house).

    Never back answer her.

    Please think her as your another mother(or just as an old lady who needs care and affection) and shower the affection and care towards her. If she is given utmost care by you, (even if she denies it in the beginning, you should not stop caring her), she will very soon understand your character and will start reciprocating the same and will surely believe that you will not pluck away her son from her.

    Allow your husband to take his mother for some places and give some space for their affection too.

    Later, when you have cordial relationship with your husband, you can plead him not to reveal all the happenings between you both, and you feel very uncomfortable when your MIL is asking about them later. Tell him that you both need some privacy and hence this suggestion.

    At the same time, you can convince him that he can consult his mother for any bigger decision or suggestion. Thus he will also be convinced.

    Later after 1 or 2 years, you may ask him to find a suitable job even in abroad.

    Try to motivate him in all aspects.

    Please go through the below thread by clicking them, which have lots and lots of tips as how to handle the family, husband and MIL. These may be of help to you too.


    Tips to have a good relation / understanding with your husband


    How to run Smooth family


    Tips to maintain good relations with MIL


    how to handle my mil

    Jayanthy



  3. #3
    daisydee is offline Newbie
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    Re: need solution sisters

    dear jayanthy sister

    really thank u so much for ur help bcoz i was very confused and dont know wat will i do.but your advise has given me a very clear idea.thank u so much.he left from my dad business and is searching for a job.

    but there were few things i did't mention in my first post.before marriage i went for a counselling bcoz i was in depression(i couldn't sleep) due my dad sudden health problem and so i took pills for a month and it became normal .The doc told me that it is not a big issue and it doesn't need to be informed to groom family and we did so.

    last month my mil told that she wants to take his son to that doctor bcoz he is very tensed then my dad told that we too went there.they did't tel anything.then without calling me.my mil took him to the doctor and did't tel us what the doctor told when we asked her and rushed us to go and meet the doctor nextday and that they have booked an appointment and told us that there is no need for a couple counselling.which doc will say that there is no need for the couple for post marriage counselling.
    i and my dad went there.no appointment were there and they didt give the file to us.they asked for his file in hospital and we told his mom to bring(jus 45 mins from home) but she called my husband and he called reception and ask us to see with the message he sent.can you think how it will feel?.i called him he didt attend my call and called hospital and a third person comes say me wat he said?
    and finally we met the doctor and told that he has some problem and he will be alright and asked both of us to come after 15 days.
    after 15 day one morning i told him that we have to go to meet the doctor he did't reply me anything and came evening and asked me why you did't tel me before marriage that you have already went there?.i told that the doctor told me not tel that and you can come and clarify with her.he told me that he will come with mom and i will come with my dad.before starting we called his mom whether they have started she did't attend our call and he too did the same but enquired our driver about it whether we have started r not?when we were almost reached we called her again and she said that she is in her home and she can't come.then who will not get angry and my husband was in home she asked him to vaccate the house we live (we were in plan to vaccate it next month) that it is not lucky and he did as her mom told took his things and went to his home and i am in my dad home with my things.
    and next day he called our employee that he did't put any file for him in the hospital and they saw through my old history. i have his file content sms and his medicine.and we saw his case report in hospital but he lies to everybody.It has been 15 days till now there is not a single call from his side even asking about the baby.

    few months ago she asked us to come us to her home to sort out the problem and we were 2hrs late so she locked the house and went somewhere with her family(my hubby and my fil).i have a baby i cant just leave her i have to make her sleep and go out she know tat all but she do this always.i and my father were standing outside(in roaD).she is such a lady.
    if she possesive then ok i can leave it and follow your advise but she is liar and drama queen.
    she lies for everything she lies that his son never calls him.one time he did't attend my phone call so i called her and asked he spoke to him.she said that she did't attend his call too but she has spoken five times when i asked her.(i checked in his phone).

    for her relative function we used go as a family (me,my dh,mil and fil).only for my side relation she does this.my hubby too like to go with his mom not with me or with my baby.
    they both used to lie to me.last day before he left us. he have talked 35 times to his mom between 12 p.m to 9 p.m.he used to call her and tel each thing i speak to him.but with me he never talks with me even i speak kindly.he never spends time with me,discusses nothing with me,even he will not watch a t.v show with me.he will come home have food and sleep how can a wife be happy if husband is like this?then whom can i talk with in the home and cant discuss this with my family and make them tensed.?

    i can't stay with my mil because never gives us privacy she scolded my fil that he is not earning at the age of 60.he left home a month before and he doesnt contact them(mil and sons).but she is lying to us that he has went for some long distance and comes home every weekend.
    with my husband how can i live with the person there is no privacy between us.each time when i talk to him i will have a fear whether he will tell this to his mom?
    but for my daughter sake i have to be with him?.please suggest some way last time i could post bcoz the post will became too long but this time also it became long sorry for the inconceive.but pls sister tel me a solution.i dont have elder sister and dont want to discuss this issues with my friends and relative and make shame of my in-laws.

    so penmai is my only hope so pls suggest me a solution thank u jayanthy akka.sorry for mentioning u as akka but you have advised me clearly like i am your younger sister.


  4. #4
    jv_66's Avatar
    jv_66 is offline Super Moderator Silver Ruler's of Penmai
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    Re: need solution sisters

    Yes @daisydee , you can very well call me as akka....since I am very much elder to you. I too treat you as my younger sister only.

    From your 2nd post, I am able to understand that your husband is a little bit immatured person due to his depressed mind or little bit disturbed mental illness. (please don't mistake me, for telling this).

    Now, you should understand one important thing. Atleast till he gets cured totally, he is not like a normal husband who could keep all your privacies within yourselves and behave normally in few more aspects.

    So, he is also a child now. It is your part now to take care of him like your another child.

    And from this, you can also understand that, may be your MIL would have told your husband from his childhood that he has to tell her all the happenings whichever he faced and would have insisted the same even after your marriage.

    That's why he is telling everything to her and since his mind has fixed that he has to obey his mother's order and would be thinking that it is only his mother who will take very good care of him than anyone else.

    And since you don't have any intention to live with your MIL, there is no point in compelling you. If it is a compelled one, later for each and everything, you may find fault with her and will never have a cordial relationship with her. Your MIL may also be a non-understanding person, who can never change her attitude.So leave the chapter of your MIL.

    Now, what you can do is, first go to the same doctor. You can go to her with your dad and your child.

    Meanwhile get assured of a suitable job for your husband from your father's company.

    Leave your child with your dad and you alone can meet the doctor, inside.

    First remind her of your husband's case history and ask her about her opinion on how long will it take for him to get cured totally.

    You may tell her about all your personal problems with him....like he is revealing all the matters which happened within you both and anything else ...if you have.

    Now, ask her, how to change or handle this habit of his. Since she would have cured so many patients like this, she would answer the techniques.

    And only she would know better about his illness and it's nature.

    Later, you may ask her to call your husband on any other day for the treatment. You may also plead her to advice your husband as suggested below.

    That day, you should also be present with him in the clinic.

    Probably , your husband will surely come there only with his mother.

    But the doctor may call inside only your husband and advise your husband separately. Here , she can advise him that he is the only person who should take care of his wife and child and no one else is responsible for this. So, he should find a job immediately and it is preferable for him to work with his FIL's company again and live in a separate house near the office (in your parent's place).

    Here , she may also advice him not to reveal all the private moments between you both and never tell any lie to you.

    Later she may talk to you both.

    Then the doctor should tell your MIL also, about this decision to be taken for the welfare of your husband and his family(you and your daughter) who should live together for the life time. And ask her to be away from them.

    Before your husband meets the doctor, from today onwards, you be talking with him daily even if he is not at all calling you.

    If he is again and again asking you about the depression you faced before marriage which was not told to him earlier, you may tell him that you both sail in the same boat and hence both of you may leave the matter and also tell that you will take very good care of him throughout his life.

    I have suggested all the above, since you have told that your husband is under treatment. Please don't mistake me.

    Even if he is working in your dad's company or in any of his friend's company, you can live in a separate house and not in your dad's house.

    Hereafter you should never leave your husband alone or along with his parents....that is on the whole, you should always be with your husband only, wherever he goes. And you may suggest the same to your husband also.

    And you may ask our suggestion in future also, if necessary.

    All the best and we pray for your wonderful married life ahead.

    Jayanthy



  5. #5
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    Re: need solution sisters

    dear daisy, jayanthi sister gave very good advise to you.

    In addition to this, with the help of your parents and well wishers of both side you please talk for the sake of your kid. go to best psychologist for counselling.

    You can get your life back with proper understanding and avoiding arguments.

    "Vittu Kodu.!
    Viruppam Niraiverum.
    "Mannippu Kodu.!
    Thavaru Kuraiyum.
    "Manam vittu pesu.!
    Anbu perugum...


  6. #6
    daisydee is offline Newbie
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    Re: need solution sisters

    Thank u ka really thank u so much. really I was very worried and hated my life.but you have given me new hope and will follow all these and I have went to that hospital again and asked them and they told that my husband has to come and they will call from hospital and enquire them(my hubby and mil) and inform us.but they were no call from the hospital.I enquire the hospital or will change the doctor.thank u so much for your advise Akka and for your caring heart.thank u so much.

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  7. #7
    daisydee is offline Newbie
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    Re: need solution sisters

    Thank u sathya sis for your advise.hereafter I will also be patient and calm.reduce my anger.
    But every time we used to go and talk to them and it becomes a plus for them and they don't realise that the mistake is theirs.one time my mil have also told that we are bride side and we should always go silent and do what they say?so this time my parents wanted to give a gap and make them realise.
    My only worry is that till now my hubby didn't ask anything about my daughter.

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  8. #8
    daisydee is offline Newbie
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    Re: need solution sisters

    Thank u so much penmai.I don't whether my problem will get sorted out or not.but now my mind is relaxed.for last two weeks I was buried inside the problem and don't what to do .now I have some hope jayanthy akka thank u so much.thank u for reading my two long post and replyed me in a detailed manner.thank you so much ka.

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  9. #9
    RathideviDeva is offline Registered User
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    Re: need solution sisters

    Well said Jayanthi akka and Sathya.
    I just want to add to what they have said
    (- whatever happens stay only with your husband( Jayanthy akka )
    - open communication and making compromises(Sathya))

    Somehow bring your FIL into picture. Only FIL's presence will keep your MIL away from interfering into your business. Get your daughter become closer to your FIL. Pethi paasam will make him stay at your place.

    As both your MIL and your husband are immatured, as Jayanthy akka said, treat him as a child. The only person who could get out of his immatured behaviour, is your daughter. She is the only one going to make him feel like dad(man enough).

    Do not try to bring the past, in conversation. Instead of spending your efforts on becoming a wife, try to become his friend, that is the only way you could make him realise that he too has his own family now, who needs him the most. Give him the confidence. Trust him, let him realise the same.

    Also if possible, instead of making him work in your fathers company, let him work in somebody else's(even in your dad's friends company, is ok, best would be in a company, where husband would never get any special priveleges because of your dad). This would first slowdown your MIL's behaviour who is feeling insecured and possessive about her son. The more he goes towards your family side, the more aggressive she might become. Also, if he is not under your father, this will boost his self-confidence and self-esteem , which will eventually make him a responsible and successful family man.

    I know it seems hard sometimes but remember one thing. Through every dark night, there's a bright day after that. So no matter how hard it gets, never lose hope and face it boldly. Ignore other negative provoking actions surrounding you. You are the only one who can make this happen and your husband will make you(your family) feel proud, one day and he will be thankful for your contribution towards his success.


    Best wishes!!!!

    Last edited by RathideviDeva; 15th May 2015 at 10:44 PM.
    priya ravi, jv_66, gkarti and 1 others like this.

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