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  • 3 Post By amnilakshmi
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  • 3 Post By RathideviDeva

Need expert answers please--- fully confused


Discussions on "Need expert answers please--- fully confused" in "Married Life" forum.


  1. #1
    amnilakshmi is offline Newbie
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    Need expert answers please--- fully confused

    Hi all, I am married for 11 years..with two lovely kids.. mine with arranged marriage.. I like my hubby but he doesn't like me... To tell you about me I was bought up in north india and did not have much contacts with relatives till I was 20 .. and at 21 I was married... My in laws always felt I don't respect them and my dh is pro this .. he is mummy boy... I get irritated and keep talking if invoked which is a negative weak point.... he is smart and does not loose talk.... because of these or lots of weakness in me,,, he felt that I am not his right better half and had an affair with a girl (colleague.)./ they used to come home when I am in my office and I came to know this from my neighbor.. with no belief in their words I thot of catching him and caught him red handed.. and he accepted that they were having an affair for a long time. this is 6 years back and I was having a 1 year boy.. I thot of forgiving him but due to his persistant meetings with the girl which I couldn't stop I had to call a meeting with his relatives to tell them the fact and they met and of course the meeting led to bad impression about me which aggravated... there was no positive thing that happened to our relationship and he continued to be careless and irresponsible.. I kept insisting him to be loving towards me and my kid but due to his parents and relatives pressure he didn't respond to my needs.. he didn't come for my siblings marriage and didn't allow his relatives to come as well.... the problems continued and later he got a chance where in he hit my mother and ill treated my father.. when I asked him his opinion he says I like to see my parents ill treated and that's the reason I ask them to come to my house... He also says that I do no have self respect and that's why even after so many incidents I am living with him.. I have had a second delivery and the second one is a girl.. I know our fights are leading to bad impact on my kids.. I don't know what to do.. Right now he doesn't share anything with me.. no money matters or anything.. I just know that he is having a rough time at work and that could be 1 reason to ask for divorce... perhaps he doesn't want to take responsibility of kids and wants to run away after filing divorce... I am fully confused.. I am sure he has been a good dad for my kids... he keeps behaving like this when it comes to relatives or any one from my end coming to our house.. otherwise he has been doing all the spending at home .. what should I do? Should I continue with him even after his bad mouthing about me to his relatives.. I do not have any contact with anyone as he has told bad things to everyone... no one talks to me ... OR should I consider my self respect to be important and move out... I am again worried about my kids.. Please advice...

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  2. #2
    amnilakshmi is offline Newbie
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    Re: Need expert answers please--- fully confused

    I am weak and have lost my self esteem.. after persistant bad events I even feel I am worth nothing.. I am alive only for my two kids.. I do not know if they will ever feel my worth or even they will take me for a stride.. I sometimes feel I should have an ema atleast to boost my self confidence and scare him to death as he says that I am useless and no one will ever turn to look at me... but still I have lots of guilt and worry about my kids.. I am confused.. please understand my situation and help me out of this state.. no sarcastic comments please as I am hurt a lot


  3. #3
    RathideviDeva is offline Registered User
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    Re: Need expert answers please--- fully confused

    Friend @amnilakshmi,
    First dont lose hope. When the self esteem is low, self-pity comes in and it pulls everything down. Dont ever spend your energy on proving yourself to others. Everything will go in vain. Also dont plead for respect from others, when you dont respect yourself. This is not an advice it is just a suggestion from a person, who has been in your shoes(with low self-esteem and expecting others to respect my real worth). I know how it feels.

    I dont know whose fault it is... Right now that doesn't matter. It is not the marriage that needs to be fixed. Just ignore all the external factors(including your husband). Focus only on yourself. Just believe that every being in this earth, is worth something. It is not others, who determine our worth, it is rather us.

    Think about this....
    -You have been a lovely mother to your kids. So far, you have performed your duties well(despite the negative situation)
    -Even at your stressful state you are not selfish. You are still thinking about solution that brings your family together.
    -You have a career
    -You have forgiven your husband, for his betrayal(affair) and moved on. Without strength this is not possible
    -You have withstood the hardships so far
    What else do you need to, convince yourself that you are not a weak woman...

    Last edited by RathideviDeva; 15th May 2015 at 02:08 AM.
    sumathisrini, jv_66 and gkarti like this.

  4. #4
    RathideviDeva is offline Registered User
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    Re: Need expert answers please--- fully confused

    As we have no control over others, we cannot change them. Let them talk / do whatever they want. Make up your mind everyday morning, "today, the day is going to be mine. Whatever i do i'll put 100% effort. Silence is the only response, i'm going to give to the people, who provoke me. This(set some short term goal )is my goal and i'm going to achieve by (short deadline maybe 2 weeks or a month). When i achieve this, i'm going to reward myself( Have a fun outting with your friend or kids). Rejoicing the achievement with others wud double the joy. This wud also motivate you to move forward. Repeat this(short term goal setting)for 3 or 4 times. Based on my experience it is hard(despite being adviced by my husband and friends) to be unresponsive for provoking action by others. We will fail, initially. Getting back on track is the only thing needed. By setting our mind on something positive, we will have no time to think about negative stuffs.

    Also remember there is also a small personal space for yourself. So utilise it, enjoy it with your friends & loved ones. Only these will distract you from stress and keep your life enjoyable.

    This whole suggestion, though i'm saying this to you, actually, i'm reminding myself.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel. We just need to walk further to see it.

    My best wishes sis.

    Last edited by RathideviDeva; 15th May 2015 at 07:10 AM.
    sumathisrini, jv_66 and gkarti like this.

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