Sponsored Links
Sponsored Links
Penmai eMagazine December! | All Issues

User Tag List

Like Tree54Likes

how to come out of this....


Discussions on "how to come out of this...." in "Siblings and Other Relations" forum.


  1. #1
    lakshmirv is offline Newbie
    Real Name
    Lakshmi
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    chennai
    Posts
    11

    how to come out of this....

    Dear All,

    My parents are well settled and in good health, they never want me to interfere in their life, not even there is a phone call, they are not helping me in any way but they give more importance for their relatives and friends, they likes to attend function, parties and visit to their relatives houses etc. I just want to ignore, but my younger daughter always thinking about her grandfather, he likes my daughter but my mother is not allowing him to see becoz if he comes to see her he has to spend a little for her.

    My elder brother never bothers about any one, but my parent loves him, they are in good position still my parents wants to help them and take care of them. My brother never make a call also for me, if I ask he immediately says you may be busy or doing something, so i thought not to disturb you, i felt irritated to listen this kind of words, simply to call once a while to say hello also they feel it is a expense for them, I called them every week end at that time they talk for even one hour....

    My younger brother never wants to smile at me without his wife's permission, he calls us to his house, since he is a busiest person, he dont finds time to spend with us, if we went to his house also he never bothers about us, his wife is insulting me if i went to their house, even she dont like to prepare food, if we stay for a day or two. Her attitude makes me to cry, dn't know whether am having ego, I never ask them to buy or give anything too, i just expect food but she refuses to cook if we are there, this is a cheap thing, can't explain to him, but he says my wife is the only God for me, I know about her. My daughter not able to understand anything she wants to go their because my anna's daughter age is equal to her, she can play with her.

    This is my family, whether should i change, I am begging for their relationship, but they dont want me, because they feel we are unnecessary burden for them..... I never expect anyone when My hub was there, because i will be totally engaged, now also I never want to pull them, but my younger daughter always thinks that except us everybody having all the relations, she want to go somewhere during weekend and holidays, I am taking her to beach, temple, but she is not satisfied.


    Sponsored Links

  2. #2
    Prabha RK's Avatar
    Prabha RK is offline Friends's of Penmai
    Real Name
    prabha
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Location
    trichy
    Posts
    327

    Re: how to come out of this....

    hi lakshmi akka,

    sorry ...i don't know about ur mom... but i am sure that you are really a good and caring mom....
    don't feel bad sis.....
    many peoples in the cities try to break up with their family... but u expect the relationship.....and u taught ur daughters about the relationship and relatives...hats off to u sister....

    it will be better if you convince urself by understanding them.....
    ungaluku oru nalla family iruku... care for ur hubby and children....

    unga daughter chinna ponnu konja naala ava purinjipa.... neenga encouraging ah irunga.....unga elder child kuda mingle panna vidunga make them to talk to each other., and also teach them to share thier ideas,sadness,happiness within each other so that they may go on with a lovely sister-hood.

    unga daughterku epayum friend ah, amma va, advisor ah, support ah neenga irupingandrathu aval ta expose panitaey irunga ava purinjipa....

    better go to some tours with ur children and hubby..so that she may know some new places and it also helps in developing her creativity too ....
    join her in some courses like painting, dancing, musical instruments learning, or some other curricular in which she is interested...

    let your brothers go on their own way...u don't bother about them...one or other day they may realize the worth of relations...

    "YOU ARE PERFECT AS YOU ARE...!!!, DON'T CHANGE YOURSLF FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS....AT THE SAME TIME ADJUST AND CONVINCE URSELF WITH OTHERS ATTITUDE"

    keep loving sis... surely u will be loved and blessed.


    "சிவப்பு மனிதனுக்கு நிழல் கருப்புதான்

    கருப்பு மனிதனுக்கு குருதி சிவப்புதான்

    நிறங்களில் இல்லை வாழ்க்கை
    மனித மனங்களில் உள்ளதே வாழ்க்கை...!!!"

  3. #3
    jv_66's Avatar
    jv_66 is offline Super Moderator Silver Ruler's of Penmai
    Real Name
    Jayanthy
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Bangalore
    Posts
    31,985

    Re: how to come out of this....

    Hi Lakshmi,

    Sad to hear about the behaviors of your siblings and parents.

    Nowadays, every family likes to be in a nuclear family. They do not want to have any burden in their life.

    From your case, we come to understand, that there are siblings, who find it difficult just to talk with their sister.

    But please do not worry .

    It is always the sisters, who care for the brothers and like to have cordial relationship with the brothers' families.

    And the brothers might also change due to their wives, who may think the SIL as a burden.

    Now, don't worry for this.

    You have understood them, that they are not going to talk with you by spending their money.

    Leave it. You continue talking with them in the week ends as you are doing now. Please don't ask them the reason for their not initiating the phone calls.
    By these talks, atleast, you could have some touch with them and your mind would be satisfied , having talked with them.

    Your parents are elders, so you can go and meet them, whenever time permits. By this, you can make your daughters and your father happy. Don't expect them to come and meet you.

    when you go and meet your parents, you can buy as many things as you can which they like. It is your duty also. You should not think, that , only boys should take care of the parents.They will be very much pleased , when you take care of them. You are just going to meet them often. Since they are sound in wealth, they will not expect any money from you. So, you can just give your and your daughters' affection to them.

    Coming to your brothers, why do you stay in your brother's house, when , your SIL doesn't like you to stay there? Why do you leave your self respect and stay there?

    If your daughter wants to play with your brother's daughter, just stay there only for a few hours (just 1 or 2 hours) and return back to your house.

    If your SIL doesn't like this also, you please do not go to their house at all. Just phone calls will do.

    You yourself have two daughters. They will play with themselves. There would be many school friends and other friends in neighbors, with whom they can play.

    If , your brother's daughter, wants to stay with your daughter, let her come to your house and stay, but you do not stay in their house.

    And, you can do one thing. If your brothers are in the same place where you live, you can get new dresses, for their birthdays, and few festivals, atleast for their children.

    By this, they would be very much pleased.

    When your daughters ask about the distant behavior of their uncles, you can just say, that, each and every person is different, and all the relatives will not behave in the same way, as their friend's relatives.

    They would surely understand, as and when they grow.

    You please stop worrying for this.

    Be showing your immense love and affection towards your parents and siblings.Please do not expect them to reciprocate..

    One day or the other, they will surely understand your affection and reciprocate it.

    Last but not the least, please always bear the below thirukural in mind.This would calm your wavering mind, whenever you feel as if you are deceived or treated low with your self esteem.


    இன்னா செய்தாரை ஒருத்தல் ,அவர் நாண
    நன்னயம் செய்து விடல்


    அவங்க உங்களுக்கு கெடுதலே செய்தாலும் , நீங்க அவங்களுக்கு நல்லதே செய்து , அவங்களை குற்ற உணர்வு கொள்ளச் செய்துடுங்க


    Jayanthy





  4. #4
    lakshmirv is offline Newbie
    Real Name
    Lakshmi
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    chennai
    Posts
    11

    Re: how to come out of this....

    Thank you dear,

    My hub passed away few year back, am the one and only for my daughters.

    Quote Originally Posted by Prabha RK View Post
    hi lakshmi akka,

    sorry ...i don't know about ur mom... but i am sure that you are really a good and caring mom....
    don't feel bad sis.....
    many peoples in the cities try to break up with their family... but u expect the relationship.....and u taught ur daughters about the relationship and relatives...hats off to u sister....

    it will be better if you convince urself by understanding them.....
    ungaluku oru nalla family iruku... care for ur hubby and children....

    unga daughter chinna ponnu konja naala ava purinjipa.... neenga encouraging ah irunga.....unga elder child kuda mingle panna vidunga make them to talk to each other., and also teach them to share thier ideas,sadness,happiness within each other so that they may go on with a lovely sister-hood.

    unga daughterku epayum friend ah, amma va, advisor ah, support ah neenga irupingandrathu aval ta expose panitaey irunga ava purinjipa....

    better go to some tours with ur children and hubby..so that she may know some new places and it also helps in developing her creativity too ....
    join her in some courses like painting, dancing, musical instruments learning, or some other curricular in which she is interested...

    let your brothers go on their own way...u don't bother about them...one or other day they may realize the worth of relations...

    "YOU ARE PERFECT AS YOU ARE...!!!, DON'T CHANGE YOURSLF FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS....AT THE SAME TIME ADJUST AND CONVINCE URSELF WITH OTHERS ATTITUDE"

    keep loving sis... surely u will be loved and blessed.


    datchu, Sriramajayam and Prabha RK like this.

  5. #5
    lakshmirv is offline Newbie
    Real Name
    Lakshmi
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    chennai
    Posts
    11

    Re: how to come out of this....

    Thank you so much for your good words,

    Am in chennai and my bro house is in madurai, I am very dependable when i go there because the tickets will be with my brother, he is police dept. he doesnt knw all these things, he blindly believe his wife is taking care of me, i dont want to disturb anyone, I need his relationship, moreover he is so good in his heart, Coming to my elder daughter, she is in college and this girl in school, age difference is 10 yrs, so their schedule doesnt meet, she is in hostel and y.dtr is with me. usually our school arrange a family tour we used to go in that, last year due to some fin prob , i didnt go.

    My income is very very less comparing to my parents income, they know that, my income is a bread winner, they have ............... still i used to buy good things for them, but infront of me itself they will say that is not good stuff.

    Quote Originally Posted by jv_66 View Post
    Hi Lakshmi,

    Sad to hear about the behaviors of your siblings and parents.

    Nowadays, every family likes to be in a nuclear family. They do not want to have any burden in their life.

    From your case, we come to understand, that there are siblings, who find it difficult just to talk with their sister.

    But please do not worry .

    It is always the sisters, who care for the brothers and like to have cordial relationship with the brothers' families.

    And the brothers might also change due to their wives, who may think the SIL as a burden.

    Now, don't worry for this.

    You have understood them, that they are not going to talk with you by spending their money.

    Leave it. You continue talking with them in the week ends as you are doing now. Please don't ask them the reason for their not initiating the phone calls.
    By these talks, atleast, you could have some touch with them and your mind would be satisfied , having talked with them.

    Your parents are elders, so you can go and meet them, whenever time permits. By this, you can make your daughters and your father happy. Don't expect them to come and meet you.

    when you go and meet your parents, you can buy as many things as you can which they like. It is your duty also. You should not think, that , only boys should take care of the parents.They will be very much pleased , when you take care of them. You are just going to meet them often. Since they are sound in wealth, they will not expect any money from you. So, you can just give your and your daughters' affection to them.

    Coming to your brothers, why do you stay in your brother's house, when , your SIL doesn't like you to stay there? Why do you leave your self respect and stay there?

    If your daughter wants to play with your brother's daughter, just stay there only for a few hours (just 1 or 2 hours) and return back to your house.

    If your SIL doesn't like this also, you please do not go to their house at all. Just phone calls will do.

    You yourself have two daughters. They will play with themselves. There would be many school friends and other friends in neighbors, with whom they can play.

    If , your brother's daughter, wants to stay with your daughter, let her come to your house and stay, but you do not stay in their house.

    And, you can do one thing. If your brothers are in the same place where you live, you can get new dresses, for their birthdays, and few festivals, atleast for their children.

    By this, they would be very much pleased.

    When your daughters ask about the distant behavior of their uncles, you can just say, that, each and every person is different, and all the relatives will not behave in the same way, as their friend's relatives.

    They would surely understand, as and when they grow.

    You please stop worrying for this.

    Be showing your immense love and affection towards your parents and siblings.Please do not expect them to reciprocate..

    One day or the other, they will surely understand your affection and reciprocate it.

    Last but not the least, please always bear the below thirukural in mind.This would calm your wavering mind, whenever you feel as if you are deceived or treated low with your self esteem.


    இன்னா செய்தாரை ஒருத்தல் ,அவர் நாண
    நன்னயம் செய்து விடல்


    அவங்க உங்களுக்கு கெடுதலே செய்தாலும் , நீங்க அவங்களுக்கு நல்லதே செய்து , அவங்களை குற்ற உணர்வு கொள்ளச் செய்துடுங்க


    Last edited by lakshmirv; 6th Oct 2013 at 12:53 AM.

  6. #6
    Sriramajayam's Avatar
    Sriramajayam is offline Registered User
    Blogger
    Supreme Ruler's of Penmai
    Real Name
    விசு @ Visu
    Gender
    Male
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Madras @ சென்னை
    Posts
    88,609
    Blog Entries
    1787

    Re: how to come out of this....

    ஹலோ லக்ஷ்மி சிஸ்டர்,
    மேல சொன்ன நமது நண்பர்களின் யோசனைகள் கேளுங்கள்.
    நீங்களும் உங்கள் மகளும் நல்ல இருக்க நான் கடவுளிடம் வேண்டிகிறேன்.
    ஆல் தி பெஸ்ட். காட் ப்ளேஸ் யு.



    பழகிப் பார் பாசம் தெரியும்.
    பகைத்து பார் வீரம் தெரியும்.


    Get in Close with Me to know my Affection!
    Get in Fight with me to know my Braveness!






    விசு @ Visu.,
    PENMAI’s Supreme Ruler's of Penmai – II – 22-4-17 to still Date
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Golden Ruler – II – 30-7-15 to 22-4-17 (631days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Silver Ruler - II – 12-2-14 to 30-7-15 (534days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Ruler - 7-3-13 to 12-2-14 (343days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Yuva - 11-2-13 to 7-3-13 (25days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Guru - 5-1-13 to 11-2-13 (38days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Minister - 22-11-12 to 5-1-13 (45days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Commander - 6-11-12 to 22-11-12 (17days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Friend – 19-9-12 to 6-11-12 (49days)

  7. #7
    Sriramajayam's Avatar
    Sriramajayam is offline Registered User
    Blogger
    Supreme Ruler's of Penmai
    Real Name
    விசு @ Visu
    Gender
    Male
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Madras @ சென்னை
    Posts
    88,609
    Blog Entries
    1787

    Re: how to come out of this....

    ஹலோ திருச்சி பிரபா மற்றும் ஜெ. வி அக்கா,
    உங்கள் பதிலுரை சூப்பர்...




    jv_66, datchu and Prabha RK like this.
    பழகிப் பார் பாசம் தெரியும்.
    பகைத்து பார் வீரம் தெரியும்.


    Get in Close with Me to know my Affection!
    Get in Fight with me to know my Braveness!






    விசு @ Visu.,
    PENMAI’s Supreme Ruler's of Penmai – II – 22-4-17 to still Date
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Golden Ruler – II – 30-7-15 to 22-4-17 (631days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Silver Ruler - II – 12-2-14 to 30-7-15 (534days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Ruler - 7-3-13 to 12-2-14 (343days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Yuva - 11-2-13 to 7-3-13 (25days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Guru - 5-1-13 to 11-2-13 (38days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Minister - 22-11-12 to 5-1-13 (45days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Commander - 6-11-12 to 22-11-12 (17days)
    PENMAI’s Ex Young Friend – 19-9-12 to 6-11-12 (49days)

  8. #8
    nlakshmi's Avatar
    nlakshmi is offline Minister's of Penmai
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    US
    Posts
    2,787
    Blog Entries
    11

    Re: how to come out of this....

    Hey lakshmi,
    First kudos to you for bringing up your kids as a single mother. All single mothers are next to God in my opinion. Saying that, Ok you have a cliche situation in most families having brothers but not willing to talk after marriage and parents afraid of taking responsibility of you and your daughters.
    One thing is although their behaviour is wrong you cannot blame them. This is how today they can survive and they can bring up their status. In the process of their life upliftment they just ignore or kill the real affection and stuff like that. So there is no point in worrying about it.

    Although you need their backup but not financially. That is from your point. But from where they stand, they can think only financial position first.
    Why I am taking about financial a lot. Thats the only reason now a days.

    Being said that.. talking to them once a while is fine. While talking to them dont talk about your crisis situation. just enquire about their wellness and general talk and stuff. Talk to your daughters. You would not know how well they get accept their situation and work around that. Talking is the only thing that makes your daughter understand their situation where they are now and act according to it. Tell them your current situation and ask them their idea. Daughters are more matured than their age. so they will surely understand.
    Why your little one is asking to go there? because she really misses her dad.
    But she can understand the situation when you talk. One thing is kids always become closer to the mom's family than dad's family. So she wants to mingle with them.But that is also true for your brother's family. They want to mingle with their mom's family rather than their dad's. This is how it is.

    There is no point in complaining when you know this how they will be. You do what you do correctly. You dont change for others. But ask yourself too, that you really want to do this coz when you strech too much, when it breaks the pain will be very much..in your side.. coz you did all the things to make it work but still you cant. so your pain will be much.. So dont overdo in any things. Just maintain a social relationship. I know if your parents complain about your gift, then tell them this is what you can afford. It is in their mind to accept it or reject it. Tell them if they are going to complain about everything you do, then you better off without doing it. After sometime, they will see the difference and they will realise. This is the key. If they insult you or degrade you, you dont yell, scream, complain. Tell them this is all you can afford and be proud of it. Remember you are a single mom and you are trying to bring up your daughter unlike your mom, and SIL's. They dont even know how the situation is like. So dont worry..

    Talk to your daughters. They are your pillar support. You will be amazed when you hear how they want to handle the situation.

    Hope it helps
    You are doing a great job.Keep it up!!!


  9. #9
    jv_66's Avatar
    jv_66 is offline Super Moderator Silver Ruler's of Penmai
    Real Name
    Jayanthy
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Bangalore
    Posts
    31,985

    Re: how to come out of this....

    Quote Originally Posted by lakshmirv View Post
    Thank you so much for your good words,

    Am in chennai and my bro house is in madurai, I am very dependable when i go there because the tickets will be with my brother, he is police dept. he doesnt knw all these things, he blindly believe his wife is taking care of me, i dont want to disturb anyone, I need his relationship, moreover he is so good in his heart, Coming to my elder daughter, she is in college and this girl in school, age difference is 10 yrs, so their schedule doesnt meet, she is in hostel and y.dtr is with me. usually our school arrange a family tour we used to go in that, last year due to some fin prob , i didnt go.

    My income is very very less comparing to my parents income, they know that, my income is a bread winner, they have ............... still i used to buy good things for them, but infront of me itself they will say that is not good stuff.

    Feel very sorry to hear the sad demise of your husband, Lakshmi.

    At the same time, feel very very proud of you, having brought up the children, with your own effort.


    Having done such a great thing, and still going to do, why do you feel that you need to depend on others.


    When, any of your relative are not ready to help you, that too, your parents also, please do not loose your self respect, by seeking their relationship.

    They all know, that, if they tend to be closer with you, they may need to help you financially also. THIS IS TODAY'S WORLD.

    Very sad to say, that today's world is meant only for money and all the relationship is surrounded with money minded people.

    So, let's try to overcome these.

    Earlier, I didn't know that you are the only bread winner. That's why, I told you to buy things for your relatives.

    Now and then, you just visit your parents just for few hours. Please do not stay with them also. I think, they may not like this.

    And again I am insisting you , not to stay in your brother's house. Just talking over phone is enough.If necessary, your brother may visit you now and then.

    If all of them are asking about your sudden change in maintaining the distance in relationship, you may tell, that you are very busy with your job etc.

    And coming to your daughters, your younger one can play with her school friends and neighbors. Her uncle's daughter is not the only one to be played with.

    Tell her, that they are also very busy, and she could spend her time with other girls here itself.


    Also, tell your daughters that you should keep a distance with everyo
    ne, and only you three are so close to each other.

    Your daughters will surely help you to cross the remaining challenges in the life of you 3.

    Even if your daughters get married and are not in a position to help you further, please make up your mind to spend the balance part
    of your life with firm ness in thought and mind.

    From your experience, you can come to a conclusion, that no relation will be close enough to help you in any situation, and you are the only one, who has to face everything in yo
    ur life, all alone.

    Just have their relationship, as a distant one. When they don't like to be intimate with you, you also need not be intimate with them, because of your sympathetic situation.

    Just phone calls will do. Once in a while, you can meet your parents.

    Bravo Lakshmi.....cheer up......YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING on your own.

    All of us are there to support you mentally. So, please do not worry about those who don't care about you.


    Last edited by jv_66; 6th Oct 2013 at 04:35 PM.
    Jayanthy





  10. #10
    lakshmirv is offline Newbie
    Real Name
    Lakshmi
    Gender
    Female
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Location
    chennai
    Posts
    11

    Re: how to come out of this....

    Really I felt proud of the friends / sisters and well wishers here. thanks thanks ...... thanks, May God bless you all, i do can understand.....
    Quote Originally Posted by jv_66 View Post
    Feel very sorry to hear the sad demise of your husband, Lakshmi.

    At the same time, feel very very proud of you, having brought up the children, with your own effort.


    Having done such a great thing, and still going to do, why do you feel that you need to depend on others.


    When, any of your relative are not ready to help you, that too, your parents also, please do not loose your self respect, by seeking their relationship.

    They all know, that, if they tend to be closer with you, they may need to help you financially also. THIS IS TODAY'S WORLD.

    Very sad to say, that today's world is meant only for money and all the relationship is surrounded with money minded people.

    So, let's try to overcome these.

    Earlier, I didn't know that you are the only bread winner. That's why, I told you to buy things for your relatives.

    Now and then, you just visit your parents just for few hours. Please do not stay with them also. I think, they may not like this.

    And again I am insisting you , not to stay in your brother's house. Just talking over phone is enough.If necessary, your brother may visit you now and then.

    If all of them are asking about your sudden change in maintaining the distance in relationship, you may tell, that you are very busy with your job etc.

    And coming to your daughters, your younger one can play with her school friends and neighbors. Her uncle's daughter is not the only one to be played with.

    Tell her, that they are also very busy, and she could spend her time with other girls here itself.


    Also, tell your daughters that you should keep a distance with everyo
    ne, and only you three are so close to each other.

    Your daughters will surely help you to cross the remaining challenges in the life of you 3.

    Even if your daughters get married and are not in a position to help you further, please make up your mind to spend the balance part
    of your life with firm ness in thought and mind.

    From your experience, you can come to a conclusion, that no relation will be close enough to help you in any situation, and you are the only one, who has to face everything in yo
    ur life, all alone.

    Just have their relationship, as a distant one. When they don't like to be intimate with you, you also need not be intimate with them, because of your sympathetic situation.

    Just phone calls will do. Once in a while, you can meet your parents.

    Bravo Lakshmi.....cheer up......YOU CAN DO EVERYTHING on your own.

    All of us are there to support you mentally. So, please do not worry about those who don't care about you.


    jv_66 and Sriramajayam like this.

loading...

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
Like It?
Share It!







Follow Penmai on Twitter