Am i good daughter?

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#1
I am one and only daughter to my parents. Living in US for more than 10 years have a boy and girl aged 6 and 4.

My parents are now old aged and my mom is very very sick. i like to hlep her in the time but my husabnd is not allowing me to help. So i had idea to come to india for a year or two and be with my mom in her last days. but my husband not cooperating with this.

he is saying kids education is imporannt we have loans here so we have to take care of this and have to finish these loans.

i know kids education is important and loans have to be finished but more than that my mom is now much important for me. i don't know how to handle this and how to make him understand my point.
 

jv_66

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#2
Welcome to Penmai.....friend.

Sad to hear about your helpless situation.

But please don't worry for this.

Nowadays these situations are very common.

Many daughters and even sons, staying abroad, are facing these grave situations due to family commitments and constraints.

Though you think that your parents and their health are very important, and there is no second thought to look after their health, your today's commitments are also equally important.

Please don't get angry over my suggestions.

Your husband is also helpless in this situation due to the commitments of your family's financial constraints and the most important point is your kids' education.

Your thought of coming to India and staying with your parents during their necessary time, only for a year or two, surely sounds good.

But practically, it may not.

This is because, the temporary arrangement of staying in India, will be very very difficult for the kids to adjust.

If you plan to put them in Indian schools just for an year or two and go back to US will not work out positively. Both the surroundings are entirely and totally different. It will be very difficult for them to adjust initially in India, and once they get adjusted, again if you go back to US, they will surely be mentally disturbed by adjusting the contrast situations.

Along with this, the education system will also disturb them and it will be difficult to adjust for those tiny kids.

The situation may be different if you are permanently shifting to India. Even in this situation, it will be very difficult for the kids to adjust.

I have seen many children who have felt the difficulty in adjusting even within India. But it will last only for a few months, since there is similarity in culture, way of behaving, education system etc.

So, what your husband is worried for, is correct. He is not wrong. At the same time, his financial commitments also speaks here. He has no other go than to restrict you in this case.

In this case, you should think practically than sentimentally.

You should not think that, your husband is denying your presence with your parents as they are your parents. He might behave in the same way, with his parents too.

May be some Indian husbands may not give importance to the in-laws, but not all.

And another thing is, you or no one knows, whether your mother will recover totally from her ailment within one or two years.

Here are my suggestions to tackle the situation.

If it is possible , you can consult with your husband and then decide to bring your parents to US and keep them with you till their end.

But in this case, you should think twice or thrice about the cost of health treatments which may be necessary for your mother.

Only if you and your husband will be able to bear the treatment cost in US, you may take them with you to your place.

Otherwise, later, your husband might grumble on each and every expenditure due to his inability to spend much.

The next suggestion is the one which is highly possible and I feel, it is the most suitable solution in your case.

Many Indian families settled in abroad are helpless about their parents' welfare during their aged period and are following only this method.

You can visit India for a month or two and find a suitable GERIATRIC CARE CENTRE which will take care of the AILING ELDERS and give the utmost care.

The only thing is you may need to spend a little more for these centres.

You can take the help of your fellow Indians in US, who have already made arrangements like this.

There may also be any specific website for this.

So, find a good, suitable centre for them and join them there.

You should make them understand your helpless situation. They will surely understand since this decision includes their grand childrens' welfare also.

You can call them twice daily and inquire about their wellbeing. They will surely be satisfied with your affectionate inquiries.

And if it is possible, you can visit them once in 6 months or 1 year, just for few days.

Your parents will also understand the situation and act accordingly.

Only thing is, while explaining them about your helpless situation to stay with them for few years, you should not portray your husband like a villain . First of all you should understand the situation properly and practically and only then you can make them understand.

Another thing you should keep in mind is if you stay in India for few years, I am not sure about the possibility of your job in India (you may have a plan to work from the Indian branch also). But if you are not able to work in India and take full care of your mother, again you will not be able to spend much without your salary. If you stay in US and earn , you will be able to spend much more for their welfare.

So, we should not always approach the matters sentimentally but practically.

Hope these suggestions will help you.




 
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ramyaraj

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#3
Hi Sister,

Welcome to Penmai.

I truly appreciate your love and care. Your parents are really lucky to have daughter like you.

I am able to understand your feelings, but you have to think about your kids also... What Jayanthi sister said is true.

Discuss with your husband and decide. I pray for your mother.
 

MURUGANANDHAM

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Yes Jayanthi akka super. problem solve pannavum avanga manasu feel pannamal irukkavum oru deeppana solution. You are really great and Thank you so much.Hates of you akka.
Anbudan Anu
 

jv_66

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Yes Jayanthi akka super. problem solve pannavum avanga manasu feel pannamal irukkavum oru deeppana solution. You are really great and Thank you so much.Hates of you akka.
Anbudan Anu
Thanks and welcome Anu.
 
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#8
Oh that's really sad to know about your condition. May God helps you and to you family as well. I agreed with all members your hubby is also helpless just like you. If you can't go there so think something else that could make your Mom's last days easier. As financial sport or any thing else that could make her happy.....
 

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