dowry problem what to do - file case or not ?

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#1
friends i am here to ask for a quick suggestions from you all. i am in dilemma whether to do good or bad? what i thought good is bad for other what they thought good is good for me.

my wedding was fixed with a guy who is an very distance relative. we both are from well to do family have enough money and assets. my parents educated me well. now working in IT company for more than 6 years with good amount of salary.

when my parents was searching for boy i clearly said two things,
1. i will continue work after marriage
2. we should not give any dowry to them

this boys parents accepted for both and then only we both families talked and made 'oppu thambulam'. marriage was fixed by july month not exact date was mentioned.

now boy's parents were demanding for dowry. i was upset with their talks in that. my parents educated me well i am earning well. what i was earning was for their family only. how they can demand the dowry?? i have so much anger with them.

they were stubborn in this point. now what i think is to file a case against their family for demanding dowry. this is only right for me? but my parents are opposing this particulary my mom is opposing this fully.

she is saying to leave the matter we will give the dowry.

do i need to accept my mom? or have to file a case against them now itself.
 

sathya88

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#2
hi sridevi you are in critical position only. you itself clearly said that "what i thought good is bad for other what they thought good is good for me."

now this is quite revolutionary thought to give case against the family in your age. but please think from the situation of your mom. how your life will be next, how the boys parents and the boy will face the society after this issue.

how about your future marriage life, you may find little harder to find a boy, even the friends and relatives or the peoples in the society may tell this issue when they come to see you in future.

think in this point too, antha paiyanukku intha vishayam theriyama kooda irukalam illaiya. avanga parents mattum involve agi irukalam

so to my best please avoid this, instead unga rendu familykku mediator ah yaarchu vachi ithai pesi mudikalam. if you are not interested in this proposal due to this issue you can discontinue too instead spoiling both of your life.
 

RathideviDeva

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#3
Your mom's concern is right. Your happy future outweighs your strong beliefs.

As your approach is too revolutionary, this would hurt mostly your parents. Try to be little flexible in your goals. In your case, i think you should talk to the guy directly. Because eventually you guys have to face the reality. He should be aware of your revolutionary thinking, before making the decision. You too should think about your compatibility and only if he is supportive of your nature your marriage can survive.

Whatever happens to this marriage proposal, please learn to be flexible.
"Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind." Even if it takes little time to practice this, wait patiently. Also dont wait too long.

I know you have some ethics and values which you dont want to give up on. Just remember that Lord Krishna himself did some unethical deeds to establish dharma in the end.

If you dont want to give dowry, atleast be flexible in accepting the dowry as a gift given by your parents( voluntarily without any compulsion ) i.e just think of as gift given to you( by your beloved parents), and not to the groom. Having that dowry gift under your control also holds good to your beliefs. Maybe you compromise with your parents, to an acceptable gift level. If you are not able to convince your parents, you cannot convince the outside world. Then confidently hold onto your conditions. Also dont enter into a wedlock, that starts with troubles.

All the best!!!!


 

RathideviDeva

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#4
Try to be as much practical as possible. Few successful people who stood with their principles, might inspire / motivate us. Even they might have paid some price to get to this extent. Also only less than 5% might have succeeded, the rest might have perished in the dark.

"நம்ம தப்பு ஏதும் செய்யல. ஆனா ஒரு நல்லது நடக்க கொஞ்சம் வளைந்து கொடுத்தா தப்பில்ல"

If you opt to discontinue this proposal(sorry for being -ve).....
Talk with your parents and if they accept, relax the limitation of finding your life-long companion, in just your caste. Keep the options open and you will find your soul-mate soon, with whom you can share your views and dreams, and be truly yourself....

My apologies for making this long and preachy.




 

priya ravi

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#5
Hello Sridevi

Filing a case is not a good option.. it might create lot of problems for ur parents only.. they would be forced to answer all unnecessary questions of ur relatives and friends and bear with their sympathy of this issue.. u know what happens when they get a matter to chew.. do u really want ur parents to go thru this ??

Second, as u have said we both families have enough assets and money.. I would say DOWRY is not the right word to use here unless they demand all of ur parents assets or more than what ur parents can give.. In other words, it would be a SHOW OFF for them to let others know abt their DIL and her family.. It could be this way as well, some relatives who always peep into other matters would have forced them to ask about dowry ( there is difference between ASK ABOUT DOWRY and ASK DOWRY ) and they would have needed an answer from ur parents to just shut them ( This is what exactly happened in my marriage )

Third, discuss this with ur guy and listen to their views as well.. If u are not satisfied and convinced with their reasons, get out of this relation with a polite handshake.. If u r convinced , enter into the relationship without any hatredness toward ur in laws because of this issue..

and one more thing, there is no I after marriage.. Its all WE , understanding, adjusting and flexibility with others is what needed for a successfull marriage life ..

Good luck to u..
 

sathya88

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#7
well said priya and rathi. talking to the guy may solve the problem and give you some hint in solving the issues.
 

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