How to handle a feminine type BIL!!

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#1
Hi all penmaizz,

This is might be a tricky question actually it means how to handle a BIL who behaves like a SIL!!! He get involves in every matter like where u r giving u r blouse for stiching, why cnt u buy a saree here!!? always intepting betwn wife and husband. involving in kitchen and asking why u hav kept so much rice... whooo and so on. We three r staying together. My IL's most pet in family so i am scared to reply to him bcz i am scared of anybody reacts to me openly in bad manner i may lose my prestige.

he s very close to my MIL to the extend like she even discuss ladies matter like even my periods with him!! how to handle him?! i know def he s create problem if i oppose him .. he s very smart and act like anything. Even my husband doenst know his real face and he s not belve even if i say this to him...
 

sumitra

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#2
Hi all penmaizz,

This is might be a tricky question actually it means how to handle a BIL who behaves like a SIL!!! He get involves in every matter like where u r giving u r blouse for stiching, why cnt u buy a saree here!!? always intepting betwn wife and husband. involving in kitchen and asking why u hav kept so much rice... whooo and so on. We three r staying together. My IL's most pet in family so i am scared to reply to him bcz i am scared of anybody reacts to me openly in bad manner i may lose my prestige.

he s very close to my MIL to the extend like she even discuss ladies matter like even my periods with him!! how to handle him?! i know def he s create problem if i oppose him .. he s very smart and act like anything. Even my husband doenst know his real face and he s not belve even if i say this to him...
Hi perkypal, I understand your position. Some people are like this. you have to adjust adjust adjust always in this regard. don't react harshly in this case. don't loose your temper. don't have any ego. don't raise your voice. This is a critical situation. you have to handle it very softly. answer his questions politely, with smiling face. first of all please think he is your friend with special characteristics. This he is not male but female member of the family. Hence you can answer, his questions, queries, doubts, what ever it may be, without any discrimination. This is how you have to solve this problem. All the best. thank you!
 
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#3
Hi sumitra,
First of all thank you for u r reply. yes so far i am adjusting like anything but at certain extent it irritates like a hell... even my husband do some sweet things with me in kitchen he notices it and tells everything to my MIL. He wnt evn hestitate to get into the room when v both r sleeping together. I am totally losing my privacy bcz of him where ever we go we have to take him and if suppose i am going to my friends place i need to prepare food for him then, i shld go... whoaa!!

but as u said no other go untill he gets married!! hmm...:)
 

jv_66

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#4
Hi,

Yes...you need to adjust with each and every character in your in-laws' house.There is no other go for us.

Coming to this type of BIL, you can answer only to those questions, which you can(like to) answer, like place of stitching , about the cooking etc. On the other hand, you can just keep mum, for those questions which you don't like to answer.

Even if he is insisting his unanswered questions, you still keep mum, so that he or your MIL will understand your unwillingness to answer those.

I think he is of a childish character, and will surely understand the situations after his marriage.

When, you and your husband are alone in your room, don't forget to shut the door. This will be safe, to be cautious from these type of characters.

Your husband himself will come to know, when his brother his announcing everybody about the sweet things done by him to you. You just ignore this, though it would be embarrassing to you.You leave that place immediately.
 

sumitra

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#5
Hi,

Yes...you need to adjust with each and every character in your in-laws' house.There is no other go for us.

Coming to this type of BIL, you can answer only to those questions, which you can(like to) answer, like place of stitching , about the cooking etc. On the other hand, you can just keep mum, for those questions which you don't like to answer.

Even if he is insisting his unanswered questions, you still keep mum, so that he or your MIL will understand your unwillingness to answer those.

I think he is of a childish character, and will surely understand the situations after his marriage.

When, you and your husband are alone in your room, don't forget to shut the door. This will be safe, to be cautious from these type of characters.

Your husband himself will come to know, when his brother his announcing everybody about the sweet things done by him to you. You just ignore this, though it would be embarrassing to you.You leave that place immediately.
Dear Jayanthy, I have faced a same kind of problem in my early life. My husband's brother almost 19 years old at the time of our marriage behaved with me like this only. At that time I complained about this to my mother. My mother told me to shut the door when myself and my husband were together in our bedroom during night time. But then only more problem started. He started knocking the door frequently in the night taking the liberty to asking for something or the other. Sometimes he brought my mother in law also along with him to show how the door is locked and that senseless mother in law also joined with his younger son to knock the door. Total privacy has gone by the way of locking the door inside when my husband and myself were together in the night. The situation in joint family is always like this only. We cannot change these kind of characters. We have to be silent. No protest. Any small protest will explode like anything and your peaceful life in the joint family will go off. If you keep quite for non sense questions put by these senseless people, next they used to bring mother in law for support and in front of them with support of mother in law they will once again ask the same question more openly. At that time the state of mind and the embarrassment you face cannot be explained in words; that can be felt by experience only. You may feel to go for suicide in those situations. Hence we have to handle situation very cautiously. I am not denying your advise in this case. Don't think otherwise. thank you!
 

sumitra

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#6
Hi sumitra,
First of all thank you for u r reply. yes so far i am adjusting like anything but at certain extent it irritates like a hell... even my husband do some sweet things with me in kitchen he notices it and tells everything to my MIL. He wnt evn hestitate to get into the room when v both r sleeping together. I am totally losing my privacy bcz of him where ever we go we have to take him and if suppose i am going to my friends place i need to prepare food for him then, i shld go... whoaa!!

but as u said no other go untill he gets married!! hmm...:)
Dear Perkypal, I have also faced these kind of harassment during my early married life. I got married some twenty five years back. 19 year old BIL was there for me. Same kind of torture. Same kind of questions which you won't even ask to your own friends(female). Some times vulgar questions which can not be tolerated by any women. What to do? We have to handle the situation very carefully. I will tell you one classic non-sense example: Once the blouse was stitched by the tailor recommended by that BIL(crook.) After the blouse was delivered, he brought from the tailor and asking me to try it and show it to him so that he will convey any defects found . How you would have handled the situation ? This is not innocence. These people are doing like this for what? I cannot understand. Hence I told no problem with the blouse and avoided the another embarrassing situation. As I am a strong believer of Lord Vishnu, I prayed continuously and got succeed to pass this critical situation. You also pray the God of your liking. The God will help you to come out of this difficult situation. As you have understood in a positive way, the situation changed after that crook got married. Until such time you have to undergo this kind of torture with lot of patience for the sake of peaceful life in the joint family. All the best.
 
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jv_66

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#7
Dear Jayanthy, I have faced a same kind of problem in my early life. My husband's brother almost 19 years old at the time of our marriage behaved with me like this only. At that time I complained about this to my mother. My mother told me to shut the door when myself and my husband were together in our bedroom during night time. But then only more problem started. He started knocking the door frequently in the night taking the liberty to asking for something or the other. Sometimes he brought my mother in law also along with him to show how the door is locked and that senseless mother in law also joined with his younger son to knock the door. Total privacy has gone by the way of locking the door inside when my husband and myself were together in the night. The situation in joint family is always like this only. We cannot change these kind of characters. We have to be silent. No protest. Any small protest will explode like anything and your peaceful life in the joint family will go off. If you keep quite for non sense questions put by these senseless people, next they used to bring mother in law for support and in front of them with support of mother in law they will once again ask the same question more openly. At that time the state of mind and the embarrassment you face cannot be explained in words; that can be felt by experience only. You may feel to go for suicide in those situations. Hence we have to handle situation very cautiously. I am not denying your advise in this case. Don't think otherwise. thank you!

Feel very sad ,sister,to read these atrocious behaviour of your in- laws.

Not able to digest these.

No, sister, I am taking this only in the right sense.

I haven't faced these type of cruelties.

Generally, I never react to any activity of my in-laws. I never open my mouth.

You have handled the situation very well sister.
 

sumitra

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#8
Feel very sad ,sister,to read these atrocious behaviour of your in- laws.

Not able to digest these.

No, sister, I am taking this only in the right sense.

I haven't faced these type of cruelties.

Generally, I never react to any activity of my in-laws. I never open my mouth.

You have handled the situation very well sister.
Dear Jayanthy, thank you for taking my comments about your advise in this matter in a right sense.
 
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#9
Hi jayanthi,sumitra,


thank you for your replies. sumitra, after reading u r torture now i feel i am not the only person suffering with these things. 100% wht u said is true. Whenevr i avoid him with any question he brings my MIL for support and unfortunately my husband doesnt know abt there real faces.!! i am come from a very descent family such behabiour irritated like hell for me... cried alot .. evn his answering we cn manage but certain times he wantedly certain problems with me and my husband!!

Even when i go for departmental stores he will come, notices evn if i buy 'whishper'!! but he said to my husband she s like my sister!!

my innocent husband belives everything!! sometimes his eyes r not clear! loooking in hip while wearing sarees and touching me while talking, everything s done in the sake of 'sister drama' !!

my MIL s good but how come she shares everything with him!! my husband will say everything to her and she convey tht to him. i told my husband he dint listen to me.

evn i got beaten by my hubby for these crackers. one exaple i will tell u , we are my mil, two bils, fil, myself and my hubby r all having dinner at dinning table. A bra from balcony fallen to hall. My MIL commented tht, a masty joke. All members laughed, i felt ashamed to be thr so i kept mum suddenly my BIL came and said see she s not reacting!!

Stupid *****, even comes infrt of me wearing only the underwear!

i am praying god for two years, now cme to the stage like y i got married. crying daily for my life. god should see me !!
 
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sumitra

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#10
Hi jayanthi,sumitra,


thank you for your replies. sumitra, after reading u r torture now i feel i am not the only person suffering with these things. 100% wht u said is true. Whenevr i avoid him with any question he brings my MIL for support and unfortunately my husband doesnt know abt there real faces.!! i am come from a very descent family such behabiour irritated like hell for me... cried alot .. evn his answering we cn manage but certain times he wantedly certain problems with me and my husband!!

Even when i go for departmental stores he will come, notices evn if i buy 'whishper'!! but he said to my husband she s like my sister!!

my innocent husband belives everything!! sometimes his eyes r not clear! loooking in hip while wearing sarees and touching me while talking, everything s done in the sake of 'sister drama' !!

my MIL s good but how come she shares everything with him!! my husband will say everything to her and she convey tht to him. i told my husband he dint listen to me.

evn i got beaten by my hubby for these crackers. one exaple i will tell u , we are my mil, two bils, fil, myself and my hubby r all having dinner at dinning table. A bra from balcony fallen to hall. My MIL commented tht, a masty joke. All members laughed, i felt ashamed to be thr so i kept mum suddenly my BIL came and said see she s not reacting!!

Stupid *****, even comes infrt of me wearing only the underwear!

i am praying god for two years, now cme to the stage like y i got married. crying daily for my life. god should see me !!
Dear Perkypal, I am very sad to read your experience. Don't worry. Pray the god with full dedication and belief. Go to nearby Lord Narasimha swamy temple and light ghee lamps (if possible 5 nos.) to Goddess Mahalakshmi on every Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. If you don't find any Lord Narasimha Swamy temple don't worry. Go to nearby Durga temple (Because you are in Kolkatta) and light lamps in lime shells (cut the lemon in to two halves, just reverse so that the outer skin portion goes inside forms like agal. then add ghee and thread to light lamps. On every Sunday, evening 4:30 to 6:00 pm do this. Definitely Goddess Durga will come to your rescue. By way of dedicated prayer I have succeeded from my troubles not only in this problem but also so many problems in my past twenty five years of married life. Don't loose your hope. Definitely God will help you. This is a public forum. Don't use unparliamentary words like ***** and all. Here I will not narrate so many bad and nasty experiences which I came across during my early married life. I will send seperate pm to you. You read and follow the way through which I have succeeded from this torture. My husband was also like your husband only. Adding oil to the fire, he will also start criticising me in front of those crooks. But I never lost my hope. Continuously I prayed Lord Narasimha Swamy and I am getting continuous success in solving my problems. All the best. thank you!
 
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