husband not talking with me well thought to make a stop

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#1
married before 5 years and now have a boy who is 3 years old. my husband is less talkative, used to talk very less with me, with my family and with his family too. but he spends lots of time in reading books watching movies etc. but he won't come out for shopping or movies or picnic. i tried a lot and many times end with fight, anger and frustration.

i am totally opposite to him very much talkative and enjoy with friends and shopping. nowadays getting stressed very much because of this. for the whole day if i don't talk with him he won't talk with me.

how can i spend my life with him. i am just playing with my kid and spending but even he didn't spends his time with kid. what to do, any way to change him and make our life fun together or i have to live like this whole life or give up the life and search for a new partner.
 

Rudhraa

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#2
hi @vinisel,

It seems that your husband is introvert character. did you ever talked about this situation with him clearly without anger. you express him well that how you are missing him in day to day life. instead of asking/compelling him daily, you can ask him to come out for outing in weekends.

if you can't express your feeling fully you can even write a letter to him and express it fully.

if nothing works try to spend your time fully and meaninglfully with your son and with good friends. you can take him out and go to friends home or relatives home.

upto what you said you didn't mentioned that anyother bad nature, so adjusting with this character and adopting to his nature is the wisest choice for you.

leaving him and search for a new partner how can you guarantee that new life will be full of roses alone. upto me this is not wisest choice.

wait for our members answers too.
 

Mirage

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#3
from your post coming to understand he has no bad character. hence it is advisible to patch up. sincere efforts are required to change him a bit.

like poles repell and unlike make a good pair. you talk and he doesn't, that's a blessing in disguise - fights never erupt, feel happy.

if both are talkative, egos clash frequently and would be a mess.

be friendly, keep talking as you are, don't ignore and leave him alone. he should understand and feel the closeness, though he may not be as expressive as you may be - men are never expressive mostly.

separation is a big punishment for both of you and much bigger to your son on this issue. all the best for your efforts to change him.
 

RathideviDeva

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#4
Hi @vinisel
You are facing a typical problem most women face. Men are not wired up the same way as women. Men are not expressive and their basic characteristic takes a longer time to change(if they ever change), after marriage, to accommodate the new relationship. Most women based on what they see in ads and films, have high expectation/dreams(about life with their partner) without realizing that reality is not the same as fantasy. So try to give him space and time and in the mean time enjoy your space too(i think you dint realize the fact that he has never intruded into your space, which would have been a much bigger issue).

If you make yourself emotionally dependent on him, and start nagging, the situation is going to get only worse. Also comparing with close peers, adds up to the stress. Their life might seem rosey from our end.


Take look at these threads, similar problem by some of our friends. Just want to tell you that you are not alone and dont come to any wrong conclusion.

http://www.penmai.com/forums/my-better-half/89133-husband-not-caring.html

http://www.penmai.com/forums/my-better-half/88014-how-understand-my-husband.html

http://www.penmai.com/forums/my-better-half/87043-husband-hardly-finds-time-me.html

Hope this helps.



 
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ramyaraj

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#5
Hi Vinisel

I know how much it will hurt you. Situation is bad but not worst to think about divorce. Try to change him.

Some days you stop talking with him. Don't show any angry.... just be calm and see what is his reaction?

While going out leave your son with him. If he is alone with his kid... may be he will change.

Tell his parents or your parents to come and stay with you for some days... and in weekends call your friends & relatives to your home... If elder people are there at home... he can't avoid talking with them..... Plan some outing with family... slowly he will change.
 

Rudhraa

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#6
Today read this and sharing here for you,

MARRIED COUPLE, this is worth to read.
My husband is an Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature, and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Three years of courtship and now, two years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings, I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband, is my complete opposite, his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about love.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
“Why?” he asked, shocked. “I am tired, there are no reasons for everything in the world!” I answered. He kept silent the whole night, seems to be in deep thought with a lighted cigarette at all times. My feeling of disappointment only increased, here was a man who can’t even express his predicament, what else can I hope from him? And finally he asked me:” What can I do to change your mind?”
Somebody said it right, it’s hard to change a person’s personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him. Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered : “Here is the question, if you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind, Let’s say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death, will you do it for me?” He said :” I will give you your answer tomorrow….” My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting, underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes…. My dear, “I would not pick that flower for you, but please allow me to explain the reasons further..” This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
“When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen, I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs. You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you. You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city, I have to save my eyes to show you the way. You always have the cramps whenever your “good friend” approaches every month, I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom. You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes, I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails, and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand… and tell you the color of flowers, just like the color of the glow on your young face… Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do… I could not pick that flower yet, and die.. ”

My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting… and as I continue on reading… “Now, that you have finished reading my answer, if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk… I rush to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread….
Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone…
That’s life, and love. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms, even very small and cheeky forms, it has never been a model, it could be the most dull and boring form.. . flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands… and that’s our life… Love, not words win arguments…
 

jv_66

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#10
Hi @vinisel

All our friends have suggested very well. I would like to add some more.

Please do not take any hasty decisions.

First of all , you should think the other way round too.

If any of your parents are of this type (like your husband) will you ever think to change your parents and could you?

You can put yourself in your husband's shoes and think like this. If he feels that you are too talkative, shopping addict etc...etc.... and fights with you for this, then how would you feel about it?

Will you be able to change yourself totally , ie., leave away your talkativeness, leave your wishes for shopping or going for outings etc.....it will be really impossible for all the persons to change totally. So, we need to adjust with whom we share our life.

So, we should always try to accept people as they are, that too very intimate persons like husband or wife, parents, siblings etc., (who will last for ever with us).

When he is not having any other bad habits or violent in nature, then you should think yourself as a blessed wife.

You should also understand that most of the men, say about 80% of the men are not talkative, in fact most of them do talk much only with their friends. Generally men are never fond of shopping. These are all likings of ladies only. So, there is no use in blaming our husbands.

We should find ways to tackle these problems to make them involve with our leisure time and enjoy our life, instead no one should think of changing the partner just for these silly reasons.

Now, let me suggest you few tactics .

1. Do not call him always for outings or for shopping. Instead, you can call him for purchasing vegetables and fruits, once in a week. Find a little bit distant place from yours for this purchase, so that you will enjoy a little travel with him. Tell him that you need his suggestions too on these purchases. If he doesn't know to purchase the good quality, then teach him to select them, but at the same time it should not appear as if you are teaching him.

2. For all the other shoppings/window shoppings, you can go with your son or any of your friends. Generally men do not have patience like women during shopping. Only for the selection of his dresses, you can call him.

3. Leave your son with him, while he is at home. Ask him to look after the child or play with him. During this time, you can finish your household works. Thus, he would become attached with your son. Even if he is reluctant about this, tell him that you are unable to finish your household works with the naughtiness of your son.

4. Once he comes home from office, after refreshing, tell him few naughtiness of your son or any other achievements of your son in his school. Ask him to enquire these from your son's wordings itself.

5. Similarly, make your son interested in his father's arrival, talking with his father, sharing all the happenings with his father, playing with his father. Tell your son that his father is very talented , interested in many sports etc...etc.. You should never talk ill about your husband to your son. then he will never have a good opinion about his father.

6. For the Parent's day, both of you should make it a must to attend the school.

7. Pretend to make yourself busy in any work, and ask your husband to take your son to the nearby park or temple. Similarly, ask him to play any kind of games with him.

8. Make your son tell the rhymes, alphabets and any other study related things to your husband also. No father can be quiet after listening to his child's rhymes and other things. everyone will surely be attracted.

9.Tell your husband softly that your son could be his Stress buster and this period with the children,cannot return again in his life.

10. If he is watching any movies or sports or any other choices of his own, make yourself also comfortable to watch the same and have some discussions on them. You need not watch them all the time. Then and there if you discuss about these with him, then he will also reciprocate it to you in your likings.

11. Once in 3 months or 6 months make it as a rule to go for a small vacation atleast to some nearby places. Assure him that you will listen and follow all his wishes and he also need to reciprocate the same atleast for some of your wishes.

Only little by little, by handling these type of persons in soft method, there is a lot of chance for them to change their attitudes. It may take time and you should have patience. Even if they do not change, please try to adjust, try to change a little bit according to him and have a very good married life.
 

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