Married life is sinking

Joined
Jul 10, 2012
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Chennai
#1
Married before 3 years. We lived peacefully only for 6 months. He is doing business and ours is arranged marriage, i am 32 and he is 35 at the time of marriage. From the day of the marriage, he is just illtreating me like i don't know anything. i should do like this and that. I had bared it and lived with him. I had small misunderstading with him and my mil. since the words are worsening i went to my mom's home. But he never came back to call me.

I went to his home after 2 months but he didn;t accepted me. Inbetween i called him so many times but he never picked my call. How can i get back and live with him. pls give suggestions friends.
 
Joined
Jun 4, 2012
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USA
#2
Married before 3 years. We lived peacefully only for 6 months. He is doing business and ours is arranged marriage, i am 32 and he is 35 at the time of marriage. From the day of the marriage, he is just illtreating me like i don't know anything. i should do like this and that. I had bared it and lived with him. I had small misunderstading with him and my mil. since the words are worsening i went to my mom's home. But he never came back to call me.

I went to his home after 2 months but he didn;t accepted me. Inbetween i called him so many times but he never picked my call. How can i get back and live with him. pls give suggestions friends.
Hi Sindhu!
Sorry to read about your unhappiness. First of all, I’m not an expert in offering professional solutions to your issues. I sincerely suggest you consult with a Family/relationship counselor or a therapist. However, I’d like to share some thoughts about what I believe in, as a friend, as a fellow female.

Every one of the married couples will have one problem or the other, from mild to serious. Of course, the frequency and intensity of the problem matters. However, I always feel that what matters the most is, how we face that issue, how we approach to solve it and how we put a closure to it. That’s where everything escalates. எல்லாமே நாம் எடுத்துக்கற விதத்தில் இருக்கிறது. There are ups and downs in every relationship. I always tell myself to remember the ups, the happiness and I use those moments to pave my way out when I encounter a down moment.

Before you were married, I’m sure the two of you would have developed strong opinions, convictions, ideals, distinct tastes and likes/dislikes etc. in every aspect of life. We all did, we still do….It takes a lot of time to get used to another person and it is hard to change overnight. However, no matter what the problem is, think from a different perspective. Put yourself in his position also.

Sometimes, meeting halfway is good enough to resolve a conflict. At other times, you may need to compromise completely to your husband’s wish, which may be important to your husband. It is completely okay to lose in a conflict with your loved one- be it a dear friend, parent, spouse or child... If we face our life expecting and wanting a 100% win ALWAYS, then life will be disappointing and unhappy. I have personally experienced “losing” in a particular situation will definitely help in “winning” something later on. So eventually, your husband will start to meet you half way and do the same thing towards you.

I’m not sure if you are working. Think about how we deal with our colleagues, our boss, even total strangers with such politeness, sweetness and other nicety, even though there is an awful lot of stress and issues at work. I’m sure the spouses deserve better. You said you went to mom’s house. Going to back to mom’s home for every problem is NOT a good idea. I hope you avoid talking bad about your husband to any of your relatives, unless he hurts you physically. Stay with your husband in YOUR home, face the problem and learn how to avoid the issue next time.

Reading from your mail, seems like you still love your husband very much and want to make a happy life with him. Good for you! That is the first step. Take your MIL out to a temple or restaurant and talk about your unhappiness and your desire to be part of the family. Apologize to her for the pain, if needed. She’s another mom to you, so it is okay to say sorry. Be sincere about it. Go back to YOUR home at any cost. Your first 6 months were peaceful you said. Try to find that happiness – go out of your way to be nice to him, learn a few things the way he likes them, help him in his business, make him feel important, treat his family members with sincere love, do things with true love and without any pretense or expectation…Most of all forgive and forget. I’ll assure you, things will get better. அன்பை கொட்டினால் தான் அன்பு நமக்கு திரும்பி வரும். Be happy and you will definitely make others around you happy! Good luck to you! You can do it!

Sorry for the long mail! Hope it helps you in someway!
 

umaravi2011

Minister's of Penmai
Joined
Nov 28, 2011
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Hyderabad
#3
Hi Sindhu


Dont worry dear

My suggestion is that you go and meet your MIL and make a good relationship with her and speak to your husband through your MIL. that will be very ideal.

You go with your parents to their house and let the elders speak and come for a good solution.

whatever they speak you please be patient and listen to them first then share yours. Don't argue with them becoz this is your life you should be very careful while discussing with them.

Try these and see

Don't worry dear you will live with your husband happily
 
Last edited:
Joined
Jul 7, 2012
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Namakkal
#4
If you really love him, letting him know your love will change his anger. As my friends said already, involve elders for a reunion, and then maintain the the relationship with love and patience! Birth of children also changes a man's attitude very much! So try for children and keep your patience steady!
 
Joined
Sep 11, 2012
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Location
USA
#5
I agree with all the answers above. Although it seems like your husband is being unreasonably harsh to you, this is only based on your point of view. He may have his side which points to some misgivings about you. Any marital conflict has two sides. No one is completely good or bad. Try to compromise as much as possible and try harder to set ego aside. In a marital conflict winning the argument may end up making you lose the relationship. Talk to him personally in a loving way - not in an accusatory way (example do not say: " you treated me so badly, yet I am calling you and begging you so many times to get back together with you. What more can I do? Why are you torturing me like this? " Such a statement will definitely make him mad and will drive him away from you. He will again see you as someone who cannot comply with any of his wishes and someone who constantly fights. Instead say something like this " I know we had our disagreements. I apologize for the times I was not patient and I said words that crossed the line and provoked you. More than anything, I just want to be with you and give you happiness and lead a fulfilled life. So can we put the past behind us and start fresh. I will try to be more patient and see things from your point of view too. In return you also can be gentle to my feelings. Let us both remember our love for each other and begin our life again" This kind of approach will soften him a little bit. At this point, have the elders talk with him....it is better if your in-laws - his parents talk to him than your parents. All men need their egos to be boosted. All smart women allow them to have that while ultimately having their men act according to thier wishes. The key is to make them feel like they are the ones making all the decisions and they are one in control. Good luck.
 

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