Missing the miss


Lord of Penmai
Jul 5, 2011
Missing the miss

as your intended bride cheated on you, leaving you stranded on the road ahead? Melissa D'costa gets experts to tell you how to cope.

'Move on' seems to be the mantra for today's generation as old world romance and loyalty is sacrificed on the road to instant gratification. And while popular perception looks at men as the most likely gender to cheat, women are not far behind. Case in point is actress Kristen Stewart who has jeopardised her relationship with beau Robert Pattinson by cheating on him with director Rupert Sanders.

So what motivates women to rock the boat?
While sexual and emotional dissatisfaction are one of the primary reasons why women would cheat on a loyal partner, some would just do it because of the lure of the forbidden. Just like some men, some women too crave excitement, challenges and adventure in life. Sometimes, the good guys lose out, because the women in their lives miss the thrill and passion that a new relationship with a bad boy brings, and are willing to risk everything just to get out of their daily routine. It may be termed self-destructive, but that's how things stand.

How do you deal with it?
Ask the right questions says psychiatrist, Anjali Chhabria, adding, "It's important for one to accept the reality and look at the situation with the long term consequences. If the girl you plan to marry cheats on you, it is going to be difficult for you to trust her; making you insecure and paranoid about her. This does not seem to be the best start to any marriage."

Guide to surviving a cheating partner
Anjali gives the following tips:

Keep aggression at bay: If you have doubts about the girl, you need to confront her directly but without being aggressive. Give your partner a chance to explain herself and then decide your next move. Not talking about it will only lead to more damage in the relationship as you may become negative in your outlook leading to possessiveness and unpleasantness in the relation.

Quiz yourself: Even if you give the relationship another chance, are you able to honestly give the girl another chance? Or are you just going ahead due to your fear of losing her? Or what people may think? It also depends if this is the first time it's happened and you want to consider and understand her side of the story. But if it has happened repeatedly you need to give it a serious thought.

What not to do: Don't blame yourself Often men get angry with the women who have
cheated on them, eventually finding faults or blaming themselves for what has happened. You must realise that if somebody cheats on you, it's not your fault. It does not mean you are not good enough. You must not give one person the power to shake your belief in yourself.

Don't let your love life be your only priority: Prioritise other aspects of your life and let it not over shadow everything else.

Avoid seeking comfort with substance abuse: Do not indulge in negative support systems such as drinking, smoking, etc.

Don't let a break-up colour your perspective: Do not become vengeful and become negative towards the whole idea of relationships / marriage. Don't lose faith as you will find that someone special if you keep an open mind. Unless you risk meeting someone new, you make never give yourself the opportunity to find a good match.

Be prepared to let go: Varkha Chulani, clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, says, "Once you are able to understand her reason/s, decide what you wish to do. That is, get her help if this a result of emotional disturbance. Take the cue, if she doesn't want this any more and gracefully let her go. Understand that if there has been inconsistency it would most likely continue and you need to take a call whether you want to live with uncertainty and unpredictableness all all your life. The best way to cope is to accept what has happened and decide whether you wish to continue with the relationship."

Cues to look out for
- Is the girl being more secretive?
- Is she hiding or lying to you about things like where she went, who she is talking to or who her friends are?
- Is she being distant or aloof from you?
- Is she not introducing you to her friends?
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