My MIL acts like that she is child's mom

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#1
My FIL died before a year. My MIL lives with us. My daughter is now 2.5 years old. My MIL treats my daughter like her child. She is telling to my daughter that she is her bigger mom and I am her little mom. We planned to bring her in a good mannered child but she spoils his mannerism. Simply to tell, she not putting panties just roaming with her dress alone. when i ask her to put, my mil is against me. My hubby too talked to her, but she is very much stubborn and saying that she knows well about parenting than you or your wife. What should I do?
 

jv_66

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#2
Welcome to Penmai....Lavan

This is really a pathetic situation.

Though many MILs behave like this and try to dominate and interfere in the parenting of their grandchildren, here your MIL's case may be different.

All the grandparents will love their grandchildren and most of the time interfere in the upbringing of them.

But here in your MIL's case, she might be slightly mentally disturbed with the loss of her husband who was with her for a longer period. She may take time to recover from the loss.

She would have dominated over her husband and son from the beginning. So, now she might continue the same dominance over her grandchildren. This attitude is very difficult to change.

Now coming to your problem, her attitude is totally unacceptable.

Each and every mother would love her child to call her as MOM. She will not be able to accept it when it is denied.

So, the solution is mainly in the hands of your husband only.

What he has to do is, on one leisure day, he should talk to her elaborately.

Ask him to tell that every mother will want her child to call her only as MOM and nothing else.

He needs to tell that, the way of upbringing the child has changed tremendously both in the medical angle and the social angle when compared to the period when she was upbringing her children.

Let him tell her that the mother of the child also has many new ideas to bring up the child and wants to implement her to compete in the today's world. Also,some of the the old concepts may not suit to today's world.

Like, today's children will want to watch all the cartoon programmes and play with the latest gadgets, which cannot be avoided or restricted. But some older people cannot accept these changes. They will be grumbling throughout.

And for example, not wearing the panties will surely bring the entry to lots of diseases like Urinary infection and many others.

She should be told that your pediatrician has advised that the child should always wear the panties even while sleeping, and all the other healthy habits, which the MIL is against.

Also , today's children are susceptible to various diseases , as the environment is not clean, the food items are not naturally healthy and other things, as it was in the earlier days. So, some of the old concepts will never suit to today's.

Ask her to suggest only when the necessity comes. This should be told in a soft manner. Let him tell that as an elderly person, she could guide the upbringing of the child very well but some of the old concepts may not be helpful today. So, ask her to tell, but when the unacceptable concepts are denied, she has to understand them.

Tell her many of her advises would be followed whereas some may not be.

Also tell her that the child would be confused if they are told contrasting views to be followed by 2 or 3 members.

If you have any SIL and is very understandable, your husband can explain everything to her and ask her come and stay with you for few days. Ask her to notice the situation and then she can make your MIL understand what and what not to do according to this generation. She might listen to her words

And few more suggestions to keep her engaged and get diverted from concentrating only on your child.

If she is interested (you or your husband can inquire about these to her and act acccordingly) in reading any story books or spiritual books, immediately get her lots of books.

Get her a separate television set in her room. Tell her, that she may need to watch the programs of her wish, and without fighting or getting clashed even with the younger generation, as your child will want to watch some cartoon programs or so.

Get her spiritual CDs and player.

If there is any Ladies' club nearby, you can join her there, where they may involve in any social activity.

You can arrange her some spiritual tour programmes very often, along with her aged friends.

Or if she is good at cooking or any other art or craft making, try to encourage her in that field, like, make her to teach to others, so that she could feel very happy, being prioritized and may be , she could earn some money and fame out of this.

By engaging her like these, she might reduce her interference in the upbringing of your child and at the same time feel that she is also respected. Also, when she is mingling with her age friends, she could feel happy in talking about the past events and could also understand the distance to be kept with the younger generations.

But be cautious, that you should not explain these things initially to her as she might get wild about you.

But later, the engaging activities may be arranged by you and she should know that you are respecting her and taking much care about her.

Once in 15 days or a month, all of you should go together for outings.


 
Last edited:

vaishnnavi

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#3
Welcome to Penmai....Lavan

This is really a pathetic situation.

Though many MILs behave like this and try to dominate and interfere in the parenting of their grandchildren, here your MIL's case may be different.

All the grandparents will love their grandchildren and most of the time interfere in the upbringing of them.

But here in your MIL's case, she might be slightly mentally disturbed with the loss of her husband who was with her for a longer period. She may take time to recover from the loss.

She would have dominated over her husband and son from the beginning. So, now she might continue the same dominance over her grandchildren. This attitude is very difficult to change.

Now coming to your problem, her attitude is totally unacceptable.

Each and every mother would love her child to call her as MOM. She will not be able to accept it when it is denied.

So, the solution is mainly in the hands of your husband only.

What he has to do is, on one leisure day, he should talk to her elaborately.

Ask him to tell that every mother will want her child to call her only as MOM and nothing else.

He needs to tell that, the way of upbringing the child has changed tremendously both in the medical angle and the social angle when compared to the period when she was upbringing her children.

Let him tell her that the mother of the child also has many new ideas to bring up the child and wants to implement her to compete in the today's world. Also,some of the the old concepts may not suit to today's world.

Like, today's children will want to watch all the cartoon programmes and play with the latest gadgets, which cannot be avoided or restricted. But some older people cannot accept these changes. They will be grumbling throughout.

And for example, not wearing the panties will surely bring the entry to lots of diseases like Urinary infection and many others.

She should be told that your pediatrician has advised that the child should always wear the panties even while sleeping, and all the other healthy habits, which the MIL is against.

Also , today's children are susceptible to various diseases , as the environment is not clean, the food items are not naturally healthy and other things, as it was in the earlier days. So, some of the old concepts will never suit to today's.

Ask her to suggest only when the necessity comes. This should be told in a soft manner. Let him tell that as an elderly person, she could guide the upbringing of the child very well but some of the old concepts may not be helpful today. So, ask her to tell, but when the unacceptable concepts are denied, she has to understand them.

Tell her many of her advises would be followed whereas some may not be.

And few more suggestions to keep her engaged and get diverted from concentrating only on your child.

If she is interested (you or your husband can inquire about these to her and act acccordingly) in reading any story books or spiritual books, immediately get her lots of books.

Get her a separate television set in her room. Tell her, that she may need to watch the programs of her wish, and without fighting or getting clashed even with the younger generation, as your child will want to watch some cartoon programs or so.

Get her spiritual CDs and player.

If there is any Ladies' club nearby, you can join her there, where they may involve in any social activity.

You can arrange her some spiritual tour programmes very often, along with her aged friends.

Or if she is good at cooking or any other art or craft making, try to encourage her in that field, like, make her to teach to others, so that she could feel very happy, being prioritized and may be , she could earn some money and fame out of this.

By engaging her like these, she might reduce her interference in the upbringing of your child and at the same time feel that she is also respected. Also, when she is mingling with her age friends, she could feel happy in talking about the past events and could also understand the distance to be kept with the younger generations.

But be cautious, that you should not explain these things initially to her as she might get wild about you.

But later, the engaging activities may be arranged by you and she should know that you are respecting her and taking much care about her.

Once in 15 days or a month, all of you should go together for outings.


பேசாம ஜெயந்தியையே எல்லா மருமகள்களுக்கும் councellor -ஆ போட்டுடலாம் போலிருக்கு!எப்ப அட்வைஸ் பண்ணாலும் நடுநிலையோட ரெண்டு பக்கமும் யோசிச்சு சொல்றீங்க.இதை மாமியார்களும் படிச்சா செய்யிற தப்புகளை [அறிந்தோ,அறியாமலோ]திருத்திக்கலாம்.:goodidea:
 

jv_66

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பேசாம ஜெயந்தியையே எல்லா மருமகள்களுக்கும் councellor -ஆ போட்டுடலாம் போலிருக்கு!எப்ப அட்வைஸ் பண்ணாலும் நடுநிலையோட ரெண்டு பக்கமும் யோசிச்சு சொல்றீங்க.இதை மாமியார்களும் படிச்சா செய்யிற தப்புகளை [அறிந்தோ,அறியாமலோ]திருத்திக்கலாம்.:goodidea:
ரொம்ப ரொம்ப தேங்க்ஸ் வைஷ்ணவி .

ஆமாம்பா . எப்பவுமே நாணயத்தோட ரெண்டு பக்கமுமே பார்க்கணும் இல்லையா ......ரெண்டு பக்கமும் இருக்கக்கூடிய விஷயங்களைச் சொன்னாதானே , இங்க சொல்றவங்களுக்கும் , அப்படி ஒரு ஆங்கிள் இருக்கும் ன்னு இதுவரை தெரியாட்டாலும் இப்போ புரிய வாய்ப்புண்டே .
 
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#5
தோழி lavan !
உங்களின் சூழ்நிலையும் மனநிலையும் என்னால் துல்லியமாய் உணர்ந்து கொள்ள முடிகிறது.
இதே போன்ற மனவருத்தத்தை நானும் அனுபவித்துள்ளேன்,ஆகவே தகலுக்கு அது பற்றி சில விடயங்களை சொல்ல விரும்புகிறேன்.


சிலநேரங்களில் அன்பு இல்லாமல் அவஸ்தை,சில நேரங்களில் அன்பு அதிகரிப்பால் அவஸ்த்தை.
தங்களின் மாமியார் தங்களின் குழந்தை தனது குழந்தைப்போல் பாவிப்பதும் நடப்பதும் பேசுவதும் வளர்ப்பதும் அவர்களுக்கு ஆத்மா திருப்பதியை ஒரு புறம் தந்தாலும் உங்களுக்கு மறுபுறம் மன உளைச்சலையும் மன அழுத்தத்தையும் தரும் என்பது நிச்சயம்.


இருவரும் முதலில் குழந்தையின் முன்பு எந்த வித கருத்து மோதலும் செய்யாதீர்கள்.
உங்கள் மாமியார் சொல்கிறார்கள் என்ற காரணத்திற்க்காக எந்த நல்ல அறிவுரையும் தவறென்று மறுக்காதீர்கள்.
அதே நேரத்தில் மாமியார் தவறான விஷயத்தை அதீத பாசத்தில் குழந்தைக்கு சொல்லித்தந்தால் அதை பொறுமையோடு நிதானத்தோடு தொடர்ந்து புரிய வையுங்கள் அது தவறென்று.


அத்தோடு விட்டுவிடுகள்,வாதம் செய்யாமல்.


ஒரு நம்பிக்கைக்குரிய பாசத்துக்குரிய பாதுகாவலர் தங்களின் மாமியார்.
அவர்கள் உங்களோடு இருப்பதால் அவர்களின் அருமை நினைவிட்டு விலகி இருக்கலாம்,ஆனால் அது போன்ற ஒரு நபர் இல்லாமல் எத்தனையோ குழந்தைகள் தவிக்கின்றார்கள்.


தங்களின் மாமியார் காலமும் பழக்க வழக்கங்களும் மாறிவிட்டதை உணர்த்து உங்களின் மகள் பிறகே நமக்கு பேத்தி என்பதை புரிந்து உங்களின் விருப்பத்தோடு குழந்தையை நல்லவிதமாய் வளர்க்க வேண்டும் என்பதும் முக்கியம்.
 

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