Problems with my husband, help please.

Sep 1, 2016
I am an Indian girl recently married & by arranged. I am doing my PhD in the UK & my husband works in the US. We got married this June and I was with my husband from mid july to mid august this year in the US. It was only after I went there, things turned sour for us. Before we were married, he was in a live-in for 3 years with a lady who was separated from her husband (initially not a divorcee, just separated). She and my husband dated, fell in love and my husband was also fighting with his parents for their approval. Later, when he was sent on an international assignment, she slept with one of his close friends. My husband realised about this after he was back in the US while at the same time when he was diagnosed with TB. He forgave her for what she did and expected her to stay by him during his illness but she rudely left him. (Btw, he told me his past before marriage). My husband battled successfully against his illness and after their break-up, we were married in 8 months. Now while I was there in US, I realised that he is still talking to her and discussing about our personal matters (about our fights, & even bedroom stuff in detail-i found these in his whatsapp chat). I also realised that he meets her often for lunch and dinner and is always on his toes to do any favour she asks for. He would most often be very rude with me and pick fights on petty issues and he also never ceased himself from comparing us. She was always praised and i was always mocked down any time. There was not even a day passed without being compared. Most often I tried to ignore only to be able to cook for us and also make myself study for my PhD. But sometimes with the way he compares us, he really gets into my nerves. She is a full time salaried IT professional and i am a PhD candidate on a stipend. He would mock me down saying I am no way close to her IT skills or salary level. He would compare our house keeping skills and will rave about her (while at the same time he agrees I keep the house neat, he says she is even more fast at it). He would not stop talking about their sexual life to me and sometimes when he goes into the ugliest details like describing what, how and where they did certain stuff, it kinda totally wears me out. If I am at a store looking for lingerie and spot something i like, he would immediately say that she had similar kind of designs and he had already seen her wearing for him during their fun nights. I bought him a Burberry shall worth £480 from the UK and parcelled it to him, for completing 100 days post engagement. For a few days he was in praise of me but later he said I’m no close to her because she spends even more for him on his birthdays. If I tell him that I have completed 5k on treadmill, he would criticise me that she just recently did a 10k marathon, so I haven’t achieved anything big! He used to show her pictures, pointing at her legs saying look how toned it is, and can you also run everyday to get your legs toned that way? If I spot a SUV on road and say i like it, there again he would say it’s also her fav too. I have told him umpteen times not to do this as it strains my chemistry with him and of course our rship, and more often I have fought and cried too. He blames me in turn that i am being very Indian and insecure & he regrets marrying a typical Indian. He would 75% be in praise of his ex and would say she is very impressive, clear-headed and has a high professional standing. The rest 25% times he would verbally abuse her to me that she slept with his close frnd. I used to comfort him that it’s ok its past, you have moved on and you are settled. The funny thing is, this girl is still sleeping around with the same man, for whom she ditched my husband (she herself had disclosed this to my husband when his friends were guessing about it). And this man is also married but his wife lives far away in another city in the US without knowing this. She openly shares with my husband about her sexual encounters with every other man she has been with lately. I don’t understand what kind of rship my husband has with her yet. My husband tells me that he would never think of accepting her back in his life for what she did but at the same time he says he won’t stop his contacts with her. He denies throwing away her materials that’s still lying around our new home (bed and couch) and is also not willing to delete her pictures from his system. He argues that I am trying to erase his three years of life and it’s not moral for me to do it. I understand all these material stuff doesn’t create a big deal but with the way he praises her any day any time and mocks me down all the time, I get angry at him, at her and all her stuff that’s in the house. As we argue over and over we lose track of time and we end up not eating and sleeping on time either. Our days were getting derailed at least 2–3 days in a week, mostly the weekends would be totally ruined. Despite these issues he still made me meet his friends and maintain around that we live happily together. There are numerous days where we fought, I would cry, my eyes would swell up, turn red and despite that he will expect me to step out for any lunch or dinner that his friends plan. If i deny coming out he would raise his hands. Most often I would go submissive only to help myself study because I was going to sit for my PhD annual review in September. So, I would take a shower, dress up and walk to his friends as though nothing happened between us (it’s very very hard to bounce back with resilience in a social meeting after going through physical and emotional trauma at home). He hardly seemed to pay attention towards me while i was in there. He would most often be tied up with his TV series or his Xbox. He would very rarely show his affection on me (and those times I would feel that he is genuinely coming to me out of love). But those minutes would soon get disappear in fraction of seconds. Despite my tight schedule in my PhD life, I make breakfast for him, cook three course meal for lunch and also make authentic cuisines for dinner. I love cooking and my husband agrees that I give him variety cuisine every day, and is also a better cook to his mom (huh, this is the only thing he appreciates about me; otherwise, I am always mocked down). I tried my best to gain his love and approval in the one month I spent there but looks like i failed terribly. For any issues that comes between us he would immediately say get out of my house (I have heard this more than 50 times while i was there with him). He had told me more than 100 times that he developed no feelings for me and if we separate he will lead a happy life. But sometimes later when he gets into a good mood, he will ask me to ignore what he said and would claim he said it only in anger (I’m confused bcz I’m hearing it often). I tried my best to show my love in numerous ways to make him understand he has got someone in his life who will stay by him genuinely. I wanted to cook for ten of his friends on his birthday and he asks me why would i be interested in boasting around his gang that i know to cook (without understanding that i want to cook for him, on his b’day out of love for him). Our house is located on a highway with no stores close by. I planned to surprise him on his birthday with a cake. But as I was never given cash for emergencies, I just carried my UK bank card and walked up and down 5 miles (couldn’t get a cab as i had no cash or US bank card) to buy a cake and surprise him that evening. He was in awe after realising that I walked 5 miles to get something for him but the next day he started criticising that i haven’t done anything costlier for him for his first b’day after marriage. I was going through an emotional plight and I always thought of taking to at least one of his closest friends, when I asked him to bring at least one frnd to discuss issues between us, he says he wouldn’t want to stay in the marriage if his friends are made aware of. He says they will laugh at him and he doesn’t want to go through by taking this to them. I tried my best to make him understand not to compare me with his ex but he never took my cries seriously. His mom is well aware that he was sexually active in those three years of his previous rship. She is also aware that we are fighting with the comparison issue, and she always blamed me that he might be doing it for fun and I am not mature enough to handle it. One day she accused me that I’m the one causing issues due to my insecurities and I broke to her that I can’t keep it in light vein when my husband constantly raves about his past sexual adventures. She told I was lying about it, but looks like she has inquired about it with my husband. My husband got furious knowing that i told her something about his past sex life, he told his mom that I too was in love and had a break up before marriage. (he was vindictive). I had a long dist rship and it dint work out well for me, after that I stayed single for four years and then married my husband. He conveyed about this to his mom being angry on me. His mom straight away accused my character and I was torn on the phone into pieces. I’m now in India as my mom is seriously ill, i also have my exams in the UK in a week and i am very much confused what should i do next with my married life. I don’t understand what’s bothering my husband and why is he not getting closer to me. My husband and his mom are constantly inquiring about my return date to the US. I’m very much afraid to trust him and go back after experiencing a dysfunctional life there. If anyone of you could try explain to me what’s happening with him, and what should i do next, I would be very grateful to you. I really love him and want to lead a happy life with him but I always feel that something is stopping him to get closer to me. Please advice. Thanks.


Super Moderator
Staff member
Super Moderator
Dec 2, 2011
Hi @appuvikki

Feel very sad to note the pathetic situation and the plight you are undergoing.

Please don't think otherwise after reading my views and suggestions.

The below is purely my views about your present situation.

Generally , many men cannot overcome the situation when they feel that they are deceived by their beloved woman or the separation of her.

They cannot very easily come out of the trauma and languish mentally.

That is why most of them take disastrous steps as suicide, spoiling the girl's fame/reputation or throw acid etc..etc.

These people are mentally immatured, especially in this situation.

May be , your husband also would not be able to come out of his ex's separation from him. She might have been his very first beloved woman. He would have loved wholeheartedly.

Though he has physically separated himself from her, still he may be languishing to separate mentally from her and from her thoughts.

So, he may in the condition to necessarily consult with the Psychiatrist, who will surely help him to come out of his present mental condition.

This is the only solution to treat him.

He might be reluctant to meet the Psychiatrist.

But you can meet the doctor before hand and explain all the problems. The doctor may suggest the suitable method to bring your husband to meet and get the suitable treatment from him.

After meeting the doctor and getting his suggestion, you may also ask your hubby's help to take you to the Psychiatrist, as you need /would like to meet the doctor and get his consultation (just pretend) to come out of your mental pressure (due to studies and coping with married life).

Keep on telling him , that you love him so much despite his detached behaviour.

But, before going to the doctor, you can have another try.

Ask your hubby, as how he would feel, if you keep on praising or talk always about your ex . and how he would be hurt totally.

Sometimes, even with this question, he might realize his mistake and change his attitude and thoughts.

If this happens, well and good.

But in his present condition, this may or may not work out.

So, it is wise to consult the doctor.

We pray sincerely for your happy married life.

But I would suggest one more thing.

If your hubby doesn't accept to your suggestions and if even after the treatment (if it happens) he remains in the same attitude of torturing you mentally,

it is better and wise to Opt out of this marriage .

I am telling this only to save you from his mental torture.


Friends's of Penmai
Apr 5, 2016
Hi @appuvikki,

On reading the problem I understand that you are going through a very difficult phase of your life. Hope things change for good soon.
Seems your husband has not yet completly accepted that his ex has moved out of his life and he is married to you.
For him to come out of this problem he definitly needs a pyschiatric support.

Think over on below points they might help you -
You both can go for a family councelling. Try to convince your husband saying you want expert advice to come out of differences between you both.
Dont talk about past or bad experiences you had with him.
Try relocating to new town, if that is not possible atleast plan trips to new places. Change in place and meeting new people might change mind set.

Even after all your attempts if you feel situation is not improving(have a time frame yourself, you cannot wait for your life expecting things to change) then its better you move ahead in your life without him.

Until your relationship with your husband becomes smooth better dont plan for a baby. Even today many women hold on to their stressed married life because of kids.

In all this trauma dont forget to take care of your health.

Apr 8, 2011
Sorry to hear your problems.

i am not experienced but want to share this. First of all , i really appreciate" you still love your husband and you want to continue your marriage life"

Here are my suggestion, this may or may not help depends on situation.

1. Be strong by mentally and don't cry (crying makes upset every man)
2. Ask him to stop talking whenever he brings up the Ex rship.
3. pay attention on your Phd and finish it successfully
4. Getting appreciation from husband and husband family is really big deal. it won't happen in first year of marriage life. it takes time
5. give try and time to understand each other.
6. he had relationship in past and you knew that. so he is keep on talking and take it is as advantage that he already discussed with you. so he thinks, you won't take it wrong even he talks.
7. ask him to talk different topic and divert that old rubbish story. show yourself its boring when he talks about ex rship and nothing is interested in that.
8. if talks about salary and comparing something, you can show the so many celebrities and popular business man out there. give example.
9. mens always think they are really smart and they can do what ever they want.

Those steps may help. you can try if you really want to continue your marriage life.
All the best
Take care

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