twin girl - so confused pls help me

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#1
i gave birth to twin baby girl before 6 months. my husband has one elder brother, he was married before 8 years. they don't have baby and also doctor said they won't have baby due to some critical prb of his wife, doctor also advised them to adopt a child, don't want to waste money for treatment.

but they didn't adopt any child till now. before 2 months they asked us to give one of our twin child, they will adopt and take care as their child. my mil and others also forcing me. but i am so much worried, how can i give them my child? i don't like this, but everyone forcing me including my husband. how can i explain them that i can't give my child to them. Is this is the only solution to my probl. please help me i am so much confused.
 

sumitra

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#2
Dear Sidharth, I understand your motherly feeling. As a mother of twins you will never agree to spare one of the children to be adopted by any one. Because as a mother you cannot imagine to be parted with one of the children. You have two options here, One is accept the adoption request from your husband's elder brother's family if they are financially well and if you have confident that they will look after the child without any financial problem or any other social problems. If they are not in a good position and they are asking simply without having capability then do not allow them to adopt your child. If your financial position is so good your mind will not allow them to adopt your child.
Because except you all are forcing you to give one child to be adopted by your husband's elder brother family for the sake of the co-operation from the whole family towards you and your children you may have to agree. But as a mother no body can force you. without your concurrence no body can forcibly remove your child from you. Hence whole decision is yours only. But if you refuse now also and convince others regarding your position also people will definitely forget everything in due course. Hence if you are very much not willing to part with the child try to convince all of them and manage the show. Decision is entirely yours only. If you are strong nobody even your husband cannot do anything against your willingness.Hence Decide accordingly and be happy. thanks
 

jv_66

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#3

Siddarth,

We are able to understand your motherly feeling.

As Sumitra has said, no body can force you to give your child for adoption.

You can tell your husband, firmly, that you are not willing for this idea of your in-laws, when he is in a good mood.

Also tell him, that, your BIL can adopt a child from any suitable ORPHANAGE. Any way, your child is also NOT THEIR BLOOD.May be , they may think that both the brothers are of same blood and hence would have decided like this.

Or else, they can go for SURROGATION also.

Ask everybody not to hurt you anymore.
 

nlakshmi

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#4
Its really a critical situation, no mother should face... As a mother, i understand your feelings.. Even your Inlaws understand your feeling as they are mother too. First, As a mother its really hard to see your kids apart...Twins have more or less have similar feelings, and dont have to be put apart. they loose a sibling.they loose their time together. When they are in under one roof, they are brought up together by a similar discipline but you give adoption, you cannot expect that. If you give adoption, the other twin will or might feel that her sibling got all her mother love even she has been given all the mother's love from her adopted mother. Since you are giving adoption to your bIL, when you meet them in family function which you cannot avoid, then there you will surely long for your adopted child. and if any of your relatives give loose talk, then the kid is going to be affected... Adopting a child from relation is different and adopting a twin is different.. they themselves see the similarities in their features and develop lonliness. Everybody will think the future.. but bringing up the kid month by month is totally different. they will shape their characteristics while they grow up... You can never giveup your twin kid.If the other kid is growing up and shaping up into beautiful young women, then it is ok, but if she is being brought up as a adamant girl, spoiled brat, then really you will never forgive anybody even your husband and also yourself. and also, if you are in joint family, then, you can never see others hitting, shouting at your kid. Its a normal feeling of each mother.. they will should and hit their kids, to discipline.. but they cannot see others even the father doing that to their kids. so it will be really tough and will become delicate situation on both sides. when ever this happens you will surely blame your husband which will really complicates things between you both and also between the brothers. MIL does not have to worry. in any case they both are her grandkids. but Its really not advisable to give the baby for adoption. Even in regular adoption, they will never reveal the biological mother.. because there is a reason behind it as they will be power struggle later.. and financial issues.
This adoption will complicate things between you and your husband. and also in the family.When ever you see the other twin, you will not concentrate on the twin kid you have. your mind will be with the other. When ever you see the other members, you will not feel them as your family members, but the one who forced you to give up your child. think of every birthdays. Here your BIL's wife's family also has to accept the kid. If even a single person show their bitterness to the kid, then its the kid who is going to be affected and why she has been given away where other is still with the mother. You should think in all aspect... Tell your husband in a calm but stubborn manner.. never raise your voice in dealing with this issue. They have an option of adoption from the center but its really cruel to seperate a child from the mother, and also a twin. The only way to do is to be calm and stress on your feeling.If they tell about how your bil and his wife will feel, then its not your problem. ofcourse you should show some humanity, but not in this matter. they all are talking about the easy solution which is not that easy as they think. Its family, so there will a lot of emotional stress and feelings . The last thing in this process you donot want to see is your kids getting hurt, which will happen ultimately some day or other. You have a very difficult task. you have to explain your situation to your family members. talk to your husband. Never loose your temper while talking. yes, its emotional, but never giveup and donot use harsh words. Dont cry. Think proper. indulge your mother's family only when needed. because this will complicate the situation more. They will surely acknowledge your decision when time passes. Even your bil and his wife is very good person, motherly and caring, its really not advisable to adopt the sibling's offspring.
 
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#5
HI Lakshmi,
what a fantastic answer for the query! really I enjoyed your way of answering with future forecast. Your way of thinking seems so matured and more dipolomatic. As a mother of 2 year old baby girl, if I will be in the same situation, won't allow anybody to apart a baby from me for any cause.
Hi Sidharth, please follow Lakshmi's suggestions as be stobborn and clamly express you desicison to your husband. Don't worry......Gold will help you to keep your little baby with you.
 

nlakshmi

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#6
Hey mahejay,
Thanks. As a Mother of 2 kids, I completely understand her feelings and I happen to see a twin girls in my neighbourhood and how they indulge themselves in every activities together, similar interest, spending time together..Its really cruel to separate a twin kid since they both even shared mother's womb. As everykid knows and feels the mother in their womb, twin kids can even feel their twin sibling.
 

GayathriArun

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#7
Hi Sidharth,

Its the birth right of twin babies to be together. Talk to your BIL and his wife, tell them that when they are ready for adoption, why not look out for a baby from an orphanage, this way the orphaned baby will get a better life. Explain them that for argument sake, even if you give one of your baby girl to them she will get to know the real mother in future since she will definitely come to know through her twin sister's resemblance even if nobody tells her about it. More over the child when comes to know the truth will long for her biological mother's love. The child will definitely have love for your BIL and his wife but at that time the child will be not be matured enough to think about the mother's sacrifice instead she will be confused and worried and this will ultimately spoil her studies and health.
You can corner your MIL, BIL and his wife by asking if the child comes to know (will definitely come to know) about the biological mother and becomes adamant to live with her own family then your BIL's situation will be worst because already they might have been depressed for not having the child, now after adoption and bringing up the baby with love for, say upto 5 or 6 years and when the child wants to go back to her mother, then your BIL's family will be in disaster, no way they will be able to tolerate it.

Its sad that your BIL doesn't have a child but for that reason you cannot suffer. ITS THEIR PROBLEM, THEY HAVE TO SOLVE IT. Best option for you, your daughter(s) and your BIL is to adopt a child from orphanage so that neither someone will come to take away their adopted child nor the child will leave them, the orphaned child will also get a good life and it will think that your BIL and his wife are the real parents unless someone reveals.
 
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#8
thanks you sisters for all your replies.. i was so much frustrated so only very very late reply. but feeling very much happy to see this many helping hands for an unknown persons life.

Thank you so much friends... and thank you so much Penmai...
 
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#9
I am still stubborn in my decision and explained clearly to my husband and inlaws that i won't give my baby to them with all your replies. pray for me and my babies too...
 

nlakshmi

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#10
Dont worry!!! everything will be fine!!!.. our prayers are always with you.you will be a wonderful mom:)
I am still stubborn in my decision and explained clearly to my husband and inlaws that i won't give my baby to them with all your replies. pray for me and my babies too...
 

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