Using Jealousy As a Gift


Lord of Penmai
Jul 5, 2011
Using Jealousy As a Gift

There’s a lesson here for all of us. When you feel jealous, instead of identifying with that feeling or beating yourself up for feeling it, let it serve as an important message.
Here’s how to do that:

1. When you experience jealousy, turn your focus from outward to inward.
This is hard, this is big, and this is where transformation begins.

2. Ask, what part of me is having trouble witnessing the x (success, brilliance, boldness, popularity, beauty, wealth, etc.) of another person?
Connect to that part. Focus in on the discomfort. Shine the light there and explore it.

3. Ask yourself: What message does that part of me have to share?
What does that part want for me? What does it want to create in my own life? What does it feel hurt about, prevented from doing, stuck around? Reflect on these questions by journaling about them or exploring them in meditation.

4. Feel the feelings fully.
Speak them. Process them. You can share them with the person you are jealous of—if that feels right in the relationship. Though I didn’t do this with Kayla because I was a scaredy-cat, I’ve done it with others since and it goes a long way to immediately diffuse the feelings of jealousy.

Once you’ve shone a light on it, it can’t run you in the same way. Or, share with another supportive listener, journal, or process the feelings by sitting quietly with them and feeling the sensations of them in your body. We forget all the time in our doing-focused culture that when it comes to feelings, just feeling them fully causes them to shift. It really does!

5. Explore: What am I willing to do to get back on track with myself in my life?
What would I need to be doing in my own life to be completely at home with–delighted by–this person’s glory? Your answers here point you towards your own glory.

6. Finally, consider: What do I need to do, in order to be the person I want to be in this relationship?
Steps 1-5 are an important part of this. You may also want to put in place some boundaries for yourself like “no teasing this person” or “no comments” on the thing you are jealous of. Sometimes, it’s a good idea to take a step back from the relationship until you can be the source of support they deserve.

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