When the children left...


Guru's of Penmai
Feb 5, 2011
When the children left...

Very nice article .. must read: The below article is written by a lady Mrs. Chithra Vishwanathan,who's a famous Cooking expert...

Really a good read!

When my daughter, elder one of my two children got married &
left the house,

I felt as if I could not let her leave me..

Having a daughter & a son,
I know what both mean, but differently ..

Once my daughter reached her teens
I had started feeling as if my daughter was a "physical extension" of me !

So when she was leaving home to set up her own nest,
it was as though
I was losing a limb...

The next time she came for a short stay with us,
I was astonished how her priorities had changed.
( of course we must have given the same shocks to
our own parents ! ).

When she said Amma,
she meant her MIL & not me!

I imagined that she was always in a hurry to go back to her house &
not stay with me for a few more days..

That was the first time,
it dawned on me that
I have to start practising detachment in attachment...

Two years after
my daughter’s marriage,
my son left for higher stdiues to U S.
Having experienced a child's separation once,
I was better equipped emotionally.

I plunged head long into various classes held in the city starting from vedanta to healing to ikebana -
I just wanted to be away from home..

since my husband was a 7-7 worker
& a workaholic.

My son used to write how he was missing my home cooked food,
how he was waiting to come back to live in Chennai with us etc...

After a few years, he did come back
& we got him married.

He started living separately with his wife &
we were also happy that they wanted to be independent from the beginning...

But now,
it was all changed !

When in the U S,
he missed my cooking, now if I called him to come over with his wife for a meal,
it was always some excuse like
" oh, amma, we have other plans for the day,
please don't mistake us if we don't drop in today " !

I could see that his priorities had also changed completely..

We talk in theory so many things &
give advice to others etc
but when it comes to your own children,

acceptance comes very late &
next step is just leaving them undisturbed
in every way,
mainly without advice from our end.

It was at that time, I made the following lines as my
" new profile":

In all my relationships , rather interactions , I give my best.
I work hard to mature &
cherish them.

My attachment with them is complete.

However , I remain detached in the sense that I do not expect them to reciprocate my affection.

Most importantly ,
I make a conscious effort ,
not to interfere or pass judgements on the lives they choose to lead.

My concern for my near & dear ones will not fade with my detachment.
If you let go of the ones you love ,
they will never go away –
this is the beauty of attachment with detachment !

I have learnt to love & let go.
This dictum has developed tolerance in me.
When I let the people live the way they want to ,
I learn to accept them for what they are.

Most importantly ,
I learn to tolerate the world around me &
this tolerance brings in me a sense of peace & contentment.

I ask God to guide me in being loving , compassionate , tolerant & understanding when
I interact with others.
If a person wants to share a thought or concern with me
I want that person to feel comfortable to do so.
I want to remain peaceful & approachable to others.

Before I speak , I pray to God to give me the right words so that I express myself clearly & with consideration to others.

Since both my children live in Chennai, I follow this very strictly, you know why !

Now I have realised that we start growing mentally much more only after the children leave the house &
we have to tackle the emotional vacuum,
that arises, along with age-related problems .

I find this is the most testing period for a woman,
as well & emerging successfully is a slow process.

I specially dedicate this post to my friends,
who are totally dependent on their children's lives,
to nurture their own selves emotionally.

Please develop your own interests, hobbies etc, however mundane they seem to be..

We must learn
To love whatever we do
instead of
Doing whatever we love !!


Friends's of Penmai
Mar 29, 2015
most middle aged parent under go these feelings but most are unable to comprehend and understand it. you have done it well. practicing and learning new hobbies (with out blaming age ect..) will surely reduce the vacuumness or empty nest feeling

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